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IN
DECEMBER 1945, a
farmer near the Egyptian city of Nag Hammadi discovered over 50
scrolls of mystical Coptic writings dating back to 140 A.D. The
passages were a collection of sayings of Jesus, some of which
are included in the New Testament, and many of which are not.
The writings have come to be known as The Gospel of Thomas.
One
of the most compelling of these lessons (paraphrased here) teaches:
If
you bring forth what is within you, it will save you.
If
you do not bring forth what is within you, it will kill you.
I
see many people dying a little bit every day because the life
they are living on the outside does not match who they are on
the inside. I have also seen many people regain their life force
quickly when they tell the truth about who they really are and
what they want to do. The game of life is to bring your outer
expression into harmony with your inner truth.
I
had a secretary who did not know how to say no. She would say
yes to everything I asked her to do, and then just not do the
things she did not want to do. This was a problem. One day I asked
her if she would stop off on her way home and pick up a replacement
ink cartridge for the office printer. She agreed, I gave her the
store’s address, and off she went. An hour later she phoned
me to ask where the place was. By the time she arrived, the shop
was closed.
The
next day she tried again, and again I received a call from her.
"I misplaced the address," she reported. I gave her
the address again, and this time she arrived before closing. But
she had forgotten the company credit card.
Finally
I went into town and picked up the cartridge myself. My secretary
wasn’t stupid; in the office she performed complex computer
tasks brilliantly. She just didn’t want to make the trip
and she was afraid to say no. I wish she had just said, "I
would rather not do this," and I would have made another
plan.
If
your lips say yes when your heart says no, you are driving with
your foot on the gas and brake at the same time. You will either
nullify your efforts or lurch forward in jerking fits and starts.
You would do far better to utter a full yes or a full no than
to live at cross-purposes. The Bible tells us, "Let your
yes be a yes, and your no be a no; everything else is the work
of the devil." And what is the devil but action misaligned
with intention?
Do
not settle for half-hearted living. Be total. Be a compelling
creator. If you act without your spirit fully engaged, you sabotage
your results before you even begin. When you are fully present,
you are powerful indeed! Successful people throw themselves into
the task at hand. They know what they are here to do, capitalize
on opportunities, and do not abandon their dreams when faced with
a challenge. If you wish to attain that kind of mastery, your
yes must be total, and so must your no.
How
You Say Yes When You Mean No and What You Can Do:
1.
You Are Afraid People Will Not Like You if You Say No
A
fellow in one of my seminars reported, "I was afraid to say
no because I thought I would lose my friends if I did. But then
I realized I didn’t have any friends because no one knew
who I was."
Honesty
builds strong and reliable relationships. You win more by standing
in your truth than by saying what is expected. Your friends and
business associates with good sniffers will sense when you are
suffering from "the disease to please" and thus disconnected
from your authentic power. "How can I trust your yes if I
don’t hear your no?"
If
you sell yourself out to get approval, you will miss what you
really want: authenticity, passion, and aliveness.
When you say no to what does not match your intentions, you are
saying yes to what you really want and you are one step closer
to it. People with integrity will respect you more, not less,
for following your truth. If people criticize or reject you for
being authentic, do you really want to be with them? When you
stand in your truth, you will find out who your true friends are.
It is far better to have a few good friends who accept you for
who you are than a lot of "friends" who accept you because
you are doing the dance they expect. The only thing more important
than people liking you is liking yourself. If you can "sleep
in your own skin" at night, your life is a huge success.
2.
You Try to Protect Others from Being Hurt
Many
of us resist saying no because we do not want to reject someone
or hurt their feelings. But we hurt them (and ourselves) more
by acting as if something is working for us when it isn’t.
When you try to protect others, you are really seeking to protect
yourself. If you trusted that your friends and associates were
capable of handling your no¾ and helped by it¾ you would
speak more truth. We diminish others by regarding them as weak
and we affirm their strength when we communicate to them honestly.
My
friend Dr. Carla Gordan was counseling a man who told her, "I
have been married for over 30 years and the marriage is dead.
My wife and I have nothing in common; we hardly talk and we live
separate lives. I want very much to leave the marriage, but I
cannot because she is too fragile and she could never take care
of herself without me."
A
month later Dr. Gordan was counseling a woman in another city.
Her client reported, "My marriage is over and I have no reason
to stay, except that my husband needs me and he would never survive
if I left." As Carla spoke more with her client, she discovered
the woman was married to the very man she had seen a month earlier!
Both of them were unhappy, yet both were staying for the other
person who did not want to be there.
If
something is not working for you, it is usually not working for
the other person. I once hired a friend to work as my assistant.
She flew to Hawaii from the Midwest and established her life on
Maui. After a few weeks on the job, it became clear to me that
her skills were not suited for the position. I felt in a quandary,
since she had come so far and made so many significant life changes
to work for me. I kept hesitating and trying to justify her staying
in the position, but as time went on it became clear that this
arrangement was not going to work. Finally I invited her out to
lunch and planned to explain to her that I needed to get someone
else for the job.
When
we sat down at the restaurant, she told me, "I am glad we
have this time together. There is something I want to talk to
you about. I don’t think this job is working out for me."
When
I told her I was about to tell her the same thing, we had a good
laugh. We both felt relieved. We had set out on the venture in
good faith and no one was at fault; we just needed to do something
else. She found another position for which she was better matched,
and I hired another assistant who fulfilled the job description.
In
relationships, unless everyone is winning, no one is winning.
If something is not working, don’t linger in dissatisfaction.
Either change the situation or change your mind. You can usually
find a way to upgrade the situation (or your attitude toward it)
so everyone is taken care of. Often you can make changes within
the situation, and sometimes you must move on. You can communicate
anything, including leaving a job, relationship, or living situation,
with love, appreciation, and respect. When I owned a rental property
I occasionally had to give a tenant notice. Although I never liked
doing this, I found that if I approached the person with kindness
and honesty, the process would go smoothly, we would remain friends,
and each of us would find a better match. If you offer someone
sincerity and respect, you are protecting them in ways far deeper
than avoiding saying no.
Rejection
is protection. An honest no is as much a gift as an honest
yes. It serves and blesses both giver and receiver. Behind every
no is a yes. When you can find the yes, you will have the key
to a win for everyone.
3.
You Scatter Yourself
The
greatest gift you can give others is your full presence. If you
want to really succeed, show up. You have been taught
that what you do is your contribution to life, while your deeper
gift is how you do it. If you are going to do something,
invest your full self and attention. If you can’t be there
fully, don’t be there at all. (How ripped-off do you feel
when you are on the telephone saying something important to someone,
and you hear them doing dishes, punching keys on their computer,
or flushing the toilet?) When you act with resistance, resentment,
or distraction, you poison your endeavor and relationship. (Paramahansa
Yogananda noted, "Manners without sincerity are like a beautiful
but dead lady.") If you find yourself doing something halfheartedly,
stop and decide if you really want to do this; then be total about
your response.
Trying
to do too many things at once is counterproductive and in some
cases insulting. In a newspaper column I read a series of angry
letters from supermarket clerks complaining about how rudely they
are treated by customers talking on their cell phones in the checkout
line. One clerk counted that out of over 200 people she served
on her shift, 47 were talking on their cell phones. Most of them,
she reported, were discourteous, acting as if she was interrupting
them from something more important, while she was simply trying
to help them. I believe these clerks’ frustration was due
not only to their customers’ rudeness, but their energetic
absence. As spiritual beings, we are nourished by our connection
with each other. When we seek to connect with another person and
they are not there, we are left feeling hungry. (Have you ever
made love with someone who was not really present?) These clerks,
already frustrated by the banality of their work, were reaching
out for human contact, and when their customers treated them like
an intrusion, they grew hurt and angry.
The
use of cell phones offers us many valuable lessons in being fully
present. Trying to do two things at once results in neither getting
done wholly. More and more countries and now states are banning
use of cell phones while driving. Some restaurants are prohibiting
use of cell phones in the dining area. (A survey in Yahoo!
magazine [ironically, read by people who are technologically well-wired]
reports that 63% of respondents favored a prohibition of cell
phone use in restaurants.) If you have ever sat down to enjoy
a meal and heard a businessman a few feet away conducting a deal
in a loud voice, you know how disturbing this can be. If you are
going to eat, sit down and enjoy your meal. If you are going to
do a deal, really do it. Trying to do both at the same time doesn’t
double your pleasure; it diminishes it. Are you here to do as
much as you can, or be as much as you can?
4.
You Don’t Set Healthy Boundaries
Your
actions speak your yes or no even more powerfully than your words.
If you let things happen that you don’t want to happen, you
are saying yes while meaning no. If you do not set healthy boundaries,
you cannot blame others for intruding on you. You are not a victim.
You just didn’t say no when you should have. Draw your lines
well and your life will be your own.
I
used to have a hard time saying no until I became known through
my books and seminars. Then, as my public profile grew, more people
wanted things from me. They wanted endorsements, publication of
their book, connections to influential friends of mine, space
to promote their products in my seminars and newsletters, counseling,
loans and contributions, jobs, career advice, debate, travel suggestions,
sex, marriage, attention, and all kinds of other things. There
was nothing wrong with these folks wanting these things, and I
don’t blame them for asking; I just could not fulfill them.
So I had to learn to lovingly say no to more things than I said
yes to. (Sometimes I wonder if I stepped into this position so
I could learn to say no!)
In
the process I have learned to discern who is really seeking friendship,
connection, or genuine co-creation versus those who just want
something. Now I find it so refreshing to connect with people
who like me for who I am and the company we share rather than
what they can get from me.
Here
are some key areas in which you can practice setting healthy boundaries:
Time
Decide
how much time you are going to devote to a person, meeting,
or project, and then stick to it; show up when you say you will,
leave when you say you will, and ask others to do the same.
Personal
Physical Space
Create
your own nurturing space and be vigilant about who you allow
into it. If you like visitors showing up anytime unannounced,
that is fine. If not, claim your right to your personal haven.
If you spend lots of time mingling in other arenas, your period
of self-renewal will make you more effective when you venture
forth again. Make the décor and energy in your personal
space an expression of your values and choices.
Money
Use
your money for your true intentions rather than the demands
of others. Decide how much you are willing to invest in a person
or project and remain firm. Before lending or borrowing, give
the prospect considerable thought and be sure you are doing
it with a whole heart. If your choice is to invest, lend, or
donate, proceed full steam ahead. Act out of choice, not guilt.
Let it be okay to not give if your inner guidance so speaks
to you. Earmark what you want to use your money for before
it comes in. If you have a challenge with credit cards, cut
them up or set clear spending limits. If you practice tithing,
stay with it no matter what. Set aside some money for fun and
don’t retract your commitment to self-nurturing.
Work
Decide
how much you really enjoy working and stop before you get fried.
Tell your boss when you are available and when you are not.
At home, screen your calls or shut your phone off during the
hours you do not want to be reached. When you make a social
or recreational appointment, keep it even if work beckons.
Sex
Have
sex with the person you choose, when you choose, and how you
choose. Sex at any level less than joyful self-expression and
mutual caring will tatter your soul. Be upfront about your choices
regarding birth control, sexual health protection, and kinky
explorations. Sex is not the area of life to be polite;
it requires total authenticity. If your sex life is tainted
with a sense of upset, obligation, or duress, you cannot really
call it making love. Once you have your foundation established,
go for the most delicious sex you can imagine.
Emotional
Availability
Be
emotionally supportive to your friends, loved ones, and clients,
but stop when you start to feel drained. Some people will take
as much time and energy as you are willing to give (like all
of it). Be present and helpful, but not to the extent that
your interaction undermines your life force. Some people don’t
even care who you are or if you are listening; they don’t
even care if you are alive. They just want to talk, and
another body in the room or on the other end of the telephone
line makes them feel like they are accomplishing something.
They are not. They are emotional necrophiliacs, and would probably
get as much reward delivering their story to a corpse. If you
listen long enough, you will become one. Help them and yourself
by not supporting their addiction. Just love them and be where
you are supposed to be. Sometimes the kindest gift you can offer
to someone who needs to stand on their own feet is a kind refusal
to play a crutch.
Spiritual
Practice
The
most important boundary you can set is the time to nourish your
spirit. The few minutes a day you take to feed your soul is
your best investment in your happiness. Do whatever it takes
to inspire yourself and stay in a creative consciousness. Choose
a time each day to connect with your inner being and do not
compromise it. Consider it non-negotiable. People who truly
love you will understand and support you to do it. Anyone who
chastises you for your self-care practice or demands your attention
instead of it is clearly out of tune with your destiny and should
be released to find theirs.
One
more note on boundary setting: Running away is not a healthy form
of boundary setting. It is a form of running away. I know a couple
who allowed the husband’s sister to move in with them temporarily,
which turned into permanently. Neither of the couple could find
the courage to ask her to leave, so they bought a new house and
left the sister in the old one. But then the sister cried and
they took her with them to the new home. Then they ended up with
two mortgages and an uninvited sister. If they had just asked
her to leave, they would have saved themselves a lot of hassles.
The "easy" way turned out to be the hard way.
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