AT A RECENT seminar a fellow named Ted stood and reported, “As a child, I saw my wealthy parents struggle, fight, and get greedy over money — and let it run their lives. As a result, when I became a civil trial lawyer, I resisted making a lot of money or making it an issue. Over my 30-year career, I have done a lot of pro bono work and billed my clients for fewer hours than I have put in. While my peers criticized me for undercharging, I have felt good about my practice.

“Now it’s time for me to send my children to college, and I am having financial difficulties. I wonder if I should have charged more over the years. Can you help me?”

It was obvious to me that Ted’s judgments about his parents’ relationship with money and his painful associations with it set him up to keep money at a distance. Now he needed to reframe money as his friend and recognize his worth to have what he needed.

An unusual idea popped into my head. “Ted, I want you to come onstage and face the audience,” I requested, and he acceded. Then I invited another fellow to sit in a chair on the stage. “Ted, imagine this is you sitting in the chair,” I suggested. “Now imagine you are facing a jury and you are summarizing your case for why this man, Ted, deserves to have all the money he needs to send his kids to college.”

Ted was a good sport and agreed to enact the scenario. The lawyer began an eloquent argument highlighting Ted’s positive qualities and deeds, and why he merited the needed funds. Then, in the middle of his speech, Ted interrupted his summation, pointed to “himself” sitting in the chair, and whispered off-the-cuff, “I’m starting to like this guy.”
That admission, unrehearsed and not an element of his summation, was more powerful than his statements to the jury. It arose not from Ted’s adult attorney’s mind, but his childlike heart. Ted had talked himself into appreciating who he was — and that was absolutely compelling.

During this Valentine’s month, consider falling in love with yourself. While to some this may sound vain, it is the prime requirement for happiness and success. Appreciating who you are and what you do is not simply the goal of life — it is the path to all goals. Shakespeare noted, “Self-loving is not so vile a sin, my liege, as self-neglecting.” Goethe echoed, “When you finally trust yourself, you will know how to live.”

My spiritual guide Hilda Charlton once stated that everyone on earth has veered from the remembrance of God via one of two directions: arrogance or unworthiness. The arrogant, she explained, need to be windblown by life until they gain humility. The unworthy need to be bolstered with love until they recognize their intrinsic beauty.

Many people I counsel state that they fear doing nicer things for themselves because they do not want to be too selfish or egotistical. But an egotistical person would never question their selfishness; they would just let their ego ramble on, oblivious to their behavior and its results. Most people I meet have a long, long way to go before they would overdo self-loving. To the contrary, they suffer from self-neglect. They could use a long, deep dose of self-loving.

In my seminars I ask participants to complete the statement, “If I really loved myself, I would____________.” The answers that issue from this self-inquiry are astounding! “If I really loved myself, I would quit my current job and do what I feel inspired to do.” “If I really loved myself, I would ask Sally for a date.” “If I really loved myself, I would get a massage weekly.” As the participants delve more and more deeply into what self-love would move them to do, the energy in the room gets lighter; the temperature grows warmer; the volume of their voices rises; and people laugh freely. It is an amazing to experience what happens when human beings even consider greater self-love.

While many people spend a great deal of time, effort, and money to find someone to fall in love with, they rarely consider themselves as a candidate. Yet becoming your own beloved is the first step to attracting someone who feels the same way. Before you can know your soulmate, you must know your soul. In your pursuit of a mate, the most important question to answer is, would you marry yourself? If you do not enjoy your own company, it is going to be hard for someone else to enjoy your company. People who love themselves purely, on the other hand, are the most attractive people in the world. Others are magnetically drawn to them without knowing why. They glow with an inner light absent in those who are seeking love from the outer world.

There are two kinds of people on the love path: love seekers and love finders. Love seekers are constantly seeking, and love finders are constantly finding. Those who seek find more to seek, and those who find, find more to find. Just ask Ted. He’s really starting to like this guy.

© Alan Cohen, 2005