"I HAVE STRUGGLED THROUGH a long string of
disappointing relationships," a seminar participant recounted.
"I was engaged three times, but never made it to the altar.
One guy changed his mind. Another wanted an open marriage. Another
died... My track record with men is dismal.
 "Six
months ago I met a guy I really like. Our connection is awesome
- better than any I have ever had. I think we have all the elements
of a great relationship, and so does he. But after so many letdowns,
meltdowns, and breakdowns, I don't want to get my hopes up.
Things are going so well, they seem too good to be true. What
do I do now?"
Some people have experienced so much pain, confusion, frustration,
and loss in relationships that when a wonderful connection comes
along, they question it and just wait for the other shoe to
drop. But love, harmony, and safety in a partnership seem too
good to be true only because they defy a familiar pattern to
the contrary. The truth is that good relationships are good
enough to be true. Through repeated disappointment and observation
of poor role models you may have overdeveloped your propensity
to endure misery. Now you need to develop your propensity to
endure happiness. Then a good relationship will feel like the
most natural experience in the world, and anything less will
seem an anomaly.
Here are some tips on how to proceed when a relationship comes
along that seems too good to be true:
Hold your old beliefs
about relationships up to the light. Where did you get your
ideas about relationships? As a child, did you observe role
models of unhappy couples? Have you practiced a limiting belief
for so long that it seems real when it is not? Do you have
the power to make new and better choices for yourself? When
you question the notion that great relationships are supposed
to be elusive or hard, you will recognize that you have far
more possibilities available to you than you realized.
 Practice
loving yourself so much that you become a
love magnet. Love attracts love, and when you cultivate love
from the inside out, the universe will deliver it from the
outside in. Then, when someone perfect shows up, it will seem
like the next easy, natural step.
Proceed as if you deserve
the good that has come your way. Thank the universe for sending
an answer to your prayer. Accept as much happiness as you
can, as if you deserve it. Give yourself credit for your courage
to persevere through all the frogs you kissed, which led you
to the empowered place where you now stand. Keep letting the
love in and giving it out.
Don't just sit around watching
and waiting for something to go wrong?like discovering her
photo in the yellow pages under "Escort Services" or his secret
wife and five kids showing up at your doorstep. Why hunt for
skeletons? If one jumps out at you, deal with it. Until then,
enjoy your partner and all he or she has to offer. Besides,
you have more meat on your bones than a skeleton, so in any
such confrontation you will prevail.
If you have an upset
or notice a possible red flag, keep it in perspective. Don't
overanalyze or create a drama that sinks the relationship
before it gets out of the harbor. As often as I have seen
people miss red flags, I have seen others turn minor incidents
into excuses to bail. So what if he gets a call from an old
girlfriend? If he tells you he is done with her, take him
at his word. If you catch him in bed with her, you can kick
his butt on the spot. Until then, give him the benefit of
the doubt. "Never trouble trouble 'til trouble troubles you."
Hold the relationship lightly.
The tighter you squeeze or try to control, the less clearly
you see,
and the more you deny your relationship's natural unfolding.
Say to yourself, "If this relationship
is good and has substance, it will last and grow in a joyful,
healthy way." Love is more about allowing than manipulating.
Flow and trust will get you what you want far more effectively
than worry and forcing.
Find and focus on role models
of people in the kind of relationship you aspire to. If happy
couples are in your field of experience, this means that at
least part of you is a match to that kind of relationship. Now
all you have to do is pay more attention to what makes a relationship
work, and less attention to what undermines it, and you are
well on you way.
A great relationship doesn't just happen to you; it is something
you choose. More accurately, it is something you allow. No matter
how long your relationships have been difficult or dysfunctional,
they can be easier and work. Ease and success are far more natural
than struggle, and love is far truer to your nature than loneliness.
Don't accept misery as a fact of life; it has nothing to do
with who you really are or what you truly deserve. Why live
in a soap opera when you can star in a great love story?
©
Alan Cohen, 2007
This
month's article is an excerpt from Alan Cohen's new bestseller,
Don't Get Lucky? Get Smart.
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