VENUS RHYMES WITH PENIS so add that to your duality cookbook and let me know how it serves up for you. It certainly sets the tone for this crazy chapter of my life and, luckily, I'm finally at the point where I can talk about it without bursting into tears of anger, joy, frustration, or [insert any adjective here]. Simply stated, the Venus energy hasn't been easy for this female warrior to understand or to integrate, and has just plain sucked for the most part.

I've heard it said that pain is the most beautiful of the human experiences. How can we know our greatest joys unless we've been wallowing in emotional despair? I'm still not feeling the true beauty of the pain right now. I'm also pretty sure that whoever is brave enough to assist me in my transition to the other side better know that I'm inclined to kick some angel ass for this one. Don't say I didn't warn you.

While I was aware that the Venus transit amplified the divine feminine's presence on Earth when it sailed quietly across the face of the sun a few years ago, I was unaware of how deeply this transit would eventually affect me ... and how drastically my perspective would change as a result. Virtually every day for the past few years, I've read about how some celestial body has been nudging, bumping and grinding its way through the universe only to wreak havoc with the balance of whomever may have the misfortune to have been born under one sign or the other. If it isn't Saturn returning, Mercury retrograding or the Gibbous moon gibbousing, it's Grand Crosses crossing, a Lion's Gate opening and a celestial flood of energies in the cosmos hell-bent on transforming our illusionary world. Like it or not, Venus slammed into my Mars while I was on autopilot. I sure could've used a "heads up" to make sure my seat belt was securely fastened before impact. Blindsided. Trauma to the head, a severe wound to the heart and sustained emotional distress were the themes of the days and months that followed.

I've spent the past few decades not caring about nor wanting to be in relationship. Somewhere in my late 20s, I declared myself finished with men altogether. I made a conscious decision that marriage was for fairy tales and I wanted nothing to do with a picket fenced-house in suburbia complete with the 2.5 kids that statistics showed to be a part of the package. No thank you. I didn't bother clicking my heels together 3 times. I simply made a 180? turn, walked away and never looked back. My life became all about No Regrets. I took every opportunity that appealed to me. I traveled, focused on my career and built a life full of friends, laughter and freedom ... freedom to do as I pleased, when I pleased and how I pleased. I told myself that there was plenty of time for all of that "relationshit" if I changed my mind.

I was happily motoring through life, thank you very much, and with a new job came new introductions. Looking up from a project on my desk, I locked eyes with Mr. OMG! I literally gasped. Time stopped. I fell incredibly hard and undeniably deep into a feeling I'd never experienced before. His energy struck my solar plexus then flowed up, down and out in waves. It was everywhere, yet nowhere, while I was overwhelmed and forgot to breathe.

I had no idea at the time that the intensity of that moment would forever change the way I looked at and felt about men. Cruising through life was no longer an option. It was definitely time to engage and I really wanted to play this game. Actually, I wanted to make up for lost time as well.

Now what?

Then it was time for the reality check. Mr. OMG! happened to be 20 years younger and on a completely different page in life, and I was left with no clear understanding of what just happened. I kept making excuses just to catch a glimpse of him and every time he came by my desk, his smile caused another wave to flow through me. I found his energy and his presence to be incredibly addicting ... as well as incredibly confusing. I had no frame of reference or experience with this type of energy and didn't know how to make sense of it let alone know how to handle it. I reverted to the only way I knew how to respond to such energies: I said idiotic things out of context, giggled incessantly about nothing in particular, then beat myself up for acting like a doofus.

Fast forward several months through countless tears, shoe binges, chocolate, hysterical crying jags, feelings of despair - rinse and repeat ad nauseum. You get the idea. The result is that I've decided it's finally time to be in relationship and to experience intimacy in the new energy so where do I go from here? How do I begin dating after being out of the loop for over half of my life? Where can I find a cup of grace to go with the intense emotions that have surfaced? Worst (or best?) of all, how do I continue to work with a guy that creates such energetic surges within me that I short out on a regular basis? How do I come to terms with the idea that linear time was going to keep me from something that I so desperately wanted? Ouch.

Where did I think I was going to wear all those shoes?

I felt embarrassed and angry with myself to have fallen for someone who was so absolutely inappropriate for me. What was I thinking? Obviously, it had nothing to do with intellect and everything to do with energy. Ahh, now that made sense, but didn't make it any easier. Energy just simply is, yet his energy really does a number on my force field. He makes me feel that I could power the Starship Enterprise when Scotty's dilithium crystals fail. I'm positive my power surges could get us to the dock for repairs, but I was now beginning to wonder if those surges were really Mr. OMG! or the onset of menopause ...

Grace? GRACE!??!! Where's a big cup of grace when you really need it?

Several months have passed since my first gasp and I'm happy to report that our relationship has shifted several times and it's now much more comfortable for me to be around him. I'm not sure what his take on all this is, but I know he had to have been a bit freaked out as well. There is no way that he didn't feel an energetic connection on some level, but was obviously quite confused about the packaging. I'm definitely not his flavor, but he has way too much Scorpio energy not to at least be curious (or so I like to think, so, please allow me this illusion).

Hindsight really is crystal clear and today it's easier to understand that it was all about balancing my warrior with my goddess and making peace within. He fulfilled his role beautifully just by being who he is and, while he made it perfectly clear that our relationship wasn't going anywhere but friendship, I'm grateful for his kindness and patience with my heart as well as his deepening friendship. He made me realize that I wanted to engage fully in a loving relationship again. For me, it was all about the willingness to take the risk. Even though I made a fool of myself, it was worth every stutter, every stupid giggle, every pair of shoes - he was so worth any risk. And best of all? I now know that I can take risks with another and, while it may not be graceful or pretty, it's definitely not fatal.

Those who really know me have been quite surprised by the transformation from tennis shoes to sparkly princess shoes. I've actually been enjoying switching up my clothes and makeup (still a bit modest most of the time), and I'm taking in the information contained within the latest relationship books to overcome 20+ years of neglect of the social scene. I'm also practicing this flirting thing - although it still seems a bit lame. Personally, I'm old school when it comes to flirting. I still prefer thumping a man on the head and dragging him to the cave. Easy. Direct. Effective.

Today I continue to find balance as well as integrate the divine feminine with my warrior biology and attitude, which is really another story for another day. I continue to be so very grateful to Mr. OMG! for his courage in just showing up in my life. He really took on a pretty challenging role as my heart was riddled with scar tissue and had suffered great neglect. He reminded me that the risk of loving again was worth any price and that living a life without this intensity is no longer an option for me. I will always be appreciative for this reminder and always be grateful that, on some level, he also "gets" the connection.

I also have to admit that when we're on the other side of the veil, his ass is fair game for a big kicking, too. I recognize him as spiritual family and know that we share deep, karmic ties, but it's not important I disclose any of that to him. He's done a marvelous job in being the mirror to show me what I've been missing and remains clueless to the depth at which he's touched me with really nothing more than kindness. Incredibly clueless ... while being incredibly Indigo ... so, I simply enjoy watching him define his role on the Gameboard. My new game with him is sneaking in a seed every now and then. It doesn't matter if it takes or not, it's just important that I put it there.

I'm deeply grateful (and still somewhat pissed) for this experience and believe we'll always keep in touch with a Christmas or occasional birthday card. I believe he'll have a lot of questions one day and I know I can save him a lot of time if he asks. Until then, I continue to honor and respect his choices and enjoy watching him sharpen his skills on the ultimate Gameboard of Free Choice on planet Earth. He's enjoying the ride and that really is what it's all about. Whenever my sighs become a bit too deep and my heart aches a bit more than I think I can stand, a good friend always reminds me, "Remember that it's simple, but not necessarily easy."