You want me to start dating again? What, are you kidding? I’d rather spend the rest of my life in a convent!

–Astrid, 36

ARE YOU READY to make clear and conscious choices in your relationships? Are you ready to be in control of all of your relationships instead of just letting them happen? Are you ready to get what you truly deserve from your parents, siblings, mate, children, friends, boss, and coworkers? Of course you are, otherwise you wouldn’t have done all the gut wrenching work in this book up to this point. So, how do you begin?

Setting Good Boundaries
Do you recall that earlier in this book, we discussed what your life looks like when you give up your boundaries in a relationship? Well, I think a good place to start, then, is to focus on establishing good boundaries with everyone who comes into contact with you. It’s true that first impressions are lasting, so make the first impression another person has of you one of self-respect, intelligence, success, and purpose!

When you have good boundaries in a relationship, you:

1. Have clear preferences and act upon them.

2. Know when you are happy or unhappy.

3. Live actively rather than reactively.

4. Create your own reality rather than letting another person tell you what reality is.

5. Extend yourself to others only when they are appreciative.

6. Trust your own intuition.

7. Are encouraged by sincere, ongoing change in others (not promises of change).

8. Have your own interests and hobbies that excite you.

9. Have a personal standard of conduct that applies to everyone and demands accountability.

10. Know the difference between well-intentioned feedback and manipulation or control.

11. Relate to others only when they show respect for your feelings and opinions.

12. Look at another person’s behavior, rather than your feelings.

13. Don’t need another person to make you feel "complete."

14. Insist that others’ boundaries are as safe as yours... and respect them.

15. Feel secure, focused, and clear-headed most of the time.

16. Are always aware of your choices.

17. Understand that you create your own future and don’t depend on others to do so for you.

18. Decide how, to what extent, and for what length of time you will be committed in a romantic relationship.

19. Know that you have a right to privacy and protect it.

20. Don’t use denial as a coping mechanism, but see things as they are even if they are painful.

That’s a long list, isn’t it? Hopefully, at this point in your journey it doesn’t appear overwhelming or impossible to achieve. Rather, it seems like a common sense way to live and one that can be easily followed.

How Can You Build Healthy Relationships When All You Have Are Toxic Relationships?
I can’t think of one person in my life that doesn’t treat me badly on some level. Am I supposed to get rid of everyone in my life all at once? – Sammy, 27

Okay, that’s a legitimate question. When you have had a longstanding pattern of destructive relationships what you may find is that all of them are unhealthy. Yikes! What do you do now, other than to join Astrid in the convent? The answer to that is similar to the advice given to substance abusers leaving rehab: Don’t hang out in the same places or with the same friends. Otherwise relapse is almost a certainty.

So, think about this idea for a moment. Knowing what you now understand about your pattern of abusive relationships, and your phenomenal effort at change, why would any of those creeps look good to you now? You know how they treat you and why. You know you aren’t going to change them. So, why would you want them as your pals, mates, work buddies, or confidantes? No, you can’t choose your parents or your kids, but by now you understand how to deal with them.

Do you remember the quote I referred to earlier from psychotherapist Virginia Satir? "Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty." Sit with that thought for a moment. Getting out of your destructive relationship rut requires risk and perhaps a bit of time on your own. You won’t die from it! You will quickly see that health attracts health and new, exciting, healthy people will soon fill your life.

Let’s go over the warning signs of a toxic person so that you can be absolutely certain when beginning new relationships that you don’t latch onto one of these losers. An important concept to keep in mind: These warning signs are true of any type of toxic relationship, not just those that are romantic. If you have toxic friends or family members, relate them to this list as well:

No boundaries: Take a look at the list of healthy boundaries in a relationship and turn it on its head. When you are involved with a person who doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries–and ignores yours–what he is really trying to do is blur the lines between you and he so that you no longer exist separately. He doesn’t know where he ends and you begin.

It’s all your fault: You are the problem, the beginning and end of all the difficulties in his life. He doesn’t take responsibility for any problems he’s created and doesn’t accept the consequences. It’s all about you, you, you!

He’s a control freak: He wants to tell you how you should wear your hair, what kind of clothes look good on you, how much makeup to use, who your friends should be, what time you need to eat, etc. Be very aware that female "pals" do this constantly to each other. Unless you really understand that your friend has only the most benevolent of feelings for you, don’t take another person shopping with you. If she is a control or jealousy freak, you will walk out of the store thinking that you are the most repulsive person ever put on the earth.

Criminal behavior: This may seem obvious to you, but I can’t tell you how many women I’ve counseled that hook up with a partner, friend, or boss who has had previous "experience" with the law. They’ve had charges of theft, drug possession or dealing, violence, weapons, etc. in the past. You may now say, "That happened when she was young and stupid. She learned her lesson and would never do that again." Okay, maybe not, but is she really the only person on Earth you can find to establish a friendship, business, or romantic relationship with? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Move on to someone with an established history of honesty.

Addictions: When you are involved with a person who has an addiction, that person’s relationship is with the addiction, not you. They will always choose their addiction over you. You don’t even come close. If he is addicted, he has many problems that he doesn’t want to address. Get out now, while you can.

Sexually cheating: You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with someone in order for this to matter. Cheaters are cheaters. If they feel they can get away with cheating on their mates, why would you expect them to be honest in any way with you? I know women who are actually accomplices to their friend’s sexual cheating. They offer their home or are the alibi for their female pal when she has her liaison. "Her husband is such a jerk. She deserves to have a good time and a loving relationship," they will defend. Sure, right, so then she should do the honest thing and dump the clown she’s married to and have a legitimate relationship with her paramour. If she doesn’t leave him because he provides her a good income (with which she can then buy lingerie for her lover and rent a motel room), then understand that she’s a user and a liar. Is this really the best you can do?

Black and white thinking: Do you remember when we discussed your all or nothing thinking? It was harmful to you, wasn’t it? Being in a relationship of any sort with a person who can’t think in shades of gray means you don’t have room to make mistakes or have a differing opinion. You are just wrong!

When we put each other down, we’re just kidding: Don’t bet on it. If you are in a relationship with someone who just loves to call you little insulting names or make fun of you and then says, "You know I was only kidding," ask yourself why he can’t kid around in another way, like telling knock-knock jokes.

Double binds: This is a situation in which, no matter what you do, you’re wrong. Sometimes we do this to our friend or partner when we ask the question, "Do I look fat in this dress?" If she says yes, she’s hurt your feelings and if she says no, you call her a liar. She can’t win! If you’re in a relationship in which double binds are the name of the game a good bit of the time, understand that it is that person’s way of keeping you off balance and insecure.

Yea, but: But is an eraser word. It erases everything the person said before it. So, he sounds like he’s agreeing with you, although actually he’s not. So, if you accuse him of hurting your feelings and his answer is, "Yea, but..." be assured that what he’s saying is that he had a darned good reason for making you feel badly and it was your fault anyway.

Liar, liar, pants on fire: If you are in a relationship with someone who lies habitually, how can you trust her? How do you know when she’s telling you the truth? Even if she lies a little more than occasionally, she’s a person who has a difficult time confronting difficulties and taking responsibility for her actions. You don’t need her on your team.

(The list above was adapted from the book How to Recognize Emotional Unavailability and Make Healthier Relationship Choices by Dr. Bryn Collins)

When I see women in my practice who desire new friendships or romantic relationships, I ask them what qualities they would expect in that person. Surprisingly, most are unable to tell me. "I’ll know it when I see it," they say. Actually, that idea couldn’t be further from the truth. Dr. Phil McGraw says, "You have to name it before you claim it," and that’s absolutely correct thinking. Unless you know what you’re looking for, how would you know if you found it? If you were driving to a new, unfamiliar place in an out of state city, would you just think to yourself, I don’t need a map or any kind of directions whatsoever. I’ll just know how to get there instinctively. I don’t really know what signs I’m looking for, but I’ll know them when I see ‘em? Of course not. So, why wouldn’t you want a complete roadmap when making some of the most important decisions in your life?

Activity–What Characteristics Are You Seeking in a Friend/Mate, etc?
Get out your journal again and make a list of every possible quality you can think of that you would find desirable in a person you’d spend time with. You may want to make separate lists for friend, mate, coworkers, children, parents, boss. Don’t hold back; make it a big ol’ list. The lists belong only to you so you can be as frivolous as you like.

Once you are finished with that list, pare it down to ten non-negotiables. These are ten qualities on which you absolutely will not compromise. If you meet someone who seems interesting and they possess eight of the ten qualities, they simply aren’t good enough for you.

When you finish your second list, take a long, hard look at the items you have on it. Now, take a long, hard look at yourself in relation to the list. Are there qualities on that list that you don’t possess? Ah ha! Now, you see what work you need to do on yourself. Here’s why: As women we often look to others to fill in the spaces in our lives. We don’t feel confident, but want the people in our lives to have oodles of confidence. We are fairly needy, but want those with whom we spend the most time to be outgoing, and independent. We don’t make much money, yet are looking for a man who makes a six-figure income so that he can take care of us. Many women not only look for their partner to complete them, but their friends as well. They look to their girlfriends to understand them totally, while not understanding themselves. They expect these friends to have all the answers as to how they should live their lives or to take away loneliness or pain. That's your job, my friend, not theirs.

The problem with those ideas is that it immediately puts you in an inferior position in the relationship. You feel "less than" and so the other person has more power by default. You look to that person for answers you think you don’t have. They seem smarter, funnier, and more confident than you are. They "complete" you.

Did you see the movie Jerry Maguire? The worst line in cinematic history was in that movie. Tom Cruise gets Renee Zellwegger back by telling her, "You complete me." All the women in the theater swooned while I nearly choked on my popcorn. I found it offensive that women would think it was great to be incomplete before they got into a serious relationship and that only he had the power to make her feel whole. Yuck!

The idea with this list, ladies, is to be your own perfect friend or partner first. You need to possess all the qualities you are looking for. If you want your parents to treat you in a certain way, ask yourself whether you treat your own kids like that or others around you. If you want your children to treat you with respect, for instance, ask yourself whether you are respectful of them and yourself.

If you aren’t the complete package on the list of qualities you are looking for in others, here is your opportunity to create that within yourself. You will be amazed at the results.

How Do I Stop Being the Old Me in a New Relationship?
I got out of a bad marriage and brushed off a couple of friends who were flakes. I was so proud of myself. Then a year later, I found that I was in a similar relationship with a man and had new disgusting friends. Am I just hopeless?–Ginger, 38

Ginger’s fear may be one of yours as well, but I can assure you that it won’t happen. You have done too much work on your self-esteem and feelings of guilt and shame. You have uncovered the secrets you were keeping and understand what a bad relationship looks like, as well as identified what you deserve in all of your relationships. Can you imagine going back to that old life again? The one in which you were used and abused, and thought of as a doormat and dumping ground? Where your feelings and opinions didn’t matter? The one where you just lived reactively and in a state of constant fear, anxiety, and depression?

Below is a simple wheel to quickly and easily show you what a good relationship really looks like. You need to give and receive every item in every piece of pie on this wheel in order to identify it as a healthy relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship, family, or friends. While some may only apply to a romantic partner, use your imagination and configure it so that it fits your other relationships as well.

When you become involved in new relationships, proceed slowly and with caution. Remember, you are trying out a new experience. Every step of the way, you can ask yourself, "Would I consider this loving behavior?" By loving, I don’t necessarily mean romantic love, but also the type of love parents, children, and siblings have for each other, the type of love friends share with each other, and the type of respectful relationship those in your work environment should share with you.

Look at your actions as well and ask yourself, "Would I consider this loving behavior toward myself?" If you have regressed back to old, self-destructive behaviors or are allowing others to disrespect you, that isn’t loving behavior toward yourself.

The Stages of Romantic Love
If you have been in one or several destructive romantic relationships you may feel as ill informed as a young teenager when making decisions of the heart. And therein lies one of the big problems: When you are making romantic choices, don’t use your heart as a compass. Do you remember hearing the phrase, "Listen to your heart? Your heart will never lead you astray"? Well, that’s just nonsense! Your heart will always lead you astray because your heart’s job is to pump blood throughout your body, not make decisions for you. It’s your brain’s job to make decisions. Listen to your brain. Your brain will never lead you astray.

While we’re debunking myths here, let me tell you about the old "love at first sight" fairy tale. Love is not an out of control feeling that makes no sense. Love is a choice. The reason there can’t be love at first sight is that love takes time to create. You need to see your partner in all sorts of situations, especially crises and disappointments. How does he cope? Does he rage and blame others? Does he use substances, gamble, or have sex to get rid of the bad feelings? Does he intellectualize and not really feel his feelings? How does he treat his mother and sisters and his other female friends? These are all crucial things to understand about your partner before you become involved and allow yourself to become vulnerable to another person.

So, there is no love at first sight, but there is lust at first sight. And lust is great, too, if the recipient deserves it. Don’t mistake sexual desire for love or caring. They can intermingle in a committed relationship, but sex is not a replacement nor does it create love and caring in a man.

There are three stages of love. We all go through the first one–infatuation–to some degree no matter how old we are. Then, if you’ve chosen wisely and both you and your partner are complete and separate people, you move into the mature love stage. However, if you are incomplete, it is very easy to cycle into an addictive love pattern–after the infatuation stage–which you may have already experienced. Let me outline them for you.

Signs of Infatuation

• Usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship
• Physical and sexual attraction is central
• Characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and anxiety
• Driven by the excitement of being involved with a person whose character is not fully known
• Involves nagging doubts and unanswered questions; the partner remains unexamined so as not to spoil the dream
• Is based on fantasy
• Is consuming, and often exhausting
• Entails discomfort with individual differences
• Relationship not enduring because it lacks a firm foundation

• Develops gradually through learning about each other
• Sexual attraction is present, but warm affection/friendship is central
• Characterized by calm, peacefulness, empathy, support, trust, confidence, and tolerance of each other; no feelings of being threatened
• Driven by deep attachment; based on extensive knowledge of both positive and negative qualities in the other person; mature acceptance of imperfections
• Partners want to be together but are not obsessed with the relationship
• Is based on empathy
• Is energizing in a healthy way
• Partners have high self-esteem; each has a sense of self-worth with or without the partner and feels complete even without the relationship
• Individuality is accepted
• Each brings out the best in the other; relationship is nurturing
• Partners are patient; feel no need to rush the events of the relationship; there is a sense of security and no fear of losing the partner
• Each encourages the other’s growth
• Is enduring and sustaining because it is based on a strong foundation of friendship

Signs of an Addictive Love Relationship

• A feeling of not being able to live without the partner
• Insecurity, distrust, lack of confidence, feeling threatened
• Low self-esteem; looking to partner for validation and affirmation of self-worth
• Fewer happy times together; more time spent on apologies, fear, guilt, and broken promises
• Needing the other in order to feel complete
• Feeling worse about oneself as the relationship progresses
• Loss of self-control
• Making fewer decisions or plans; waiting for the partner to tell you what to do
• Discomfort with individual differences
• Tearing down or criticizing the other
• Feeling as though one is "killing time" until with the partner again
• Rushing things, like sex or marriage, so as not to lose the partner
• Breaking promises to oneself or others because of the relationship
• Being threatened by the other partner’s growth
• Constant insecurity and jealousy
• Using drugs or alcohol as coping mechanisms
• Friends or family report that the person is "different" from the way she used to be

So, how did you fare on these lists? Can you identify your involvement in past romantic relationships and where you want to be today? Remember, I have outlined these lists so that if you choose to become involved romantically, you can make better choices. There is no law that I am aware of that demands each and every women to have a mate. As women, we are programmed since childhood that we should get married and that staying single is something undesirable. That creates a kind of desperation and hysteria about getting attached to a man, almost at any cost. As an adult woman, you are now free to choose how you want to live. You’re strong. You get to choose what is right for your life.

Remember, you are the only role model your children have for the relationships they can expect for themselves in the future. If they see an unhealthy relationship, you can certainly expect that they will have a similar relationship when they are teens or adults. Why wouldn’t they? If it were enough for you, why wouldn’t it be okay enough for them?

If you decide that you would like to become involved in a romantic relationship, think long and hard about those ideas on the lists above before you become involved in a new romance, and certainly before you introduce your children to your new partner. Children become very insecure and view relationships as purely temporary when a cattle call of men wanders in and out of your life and their lives. That is probably not the image you want to create for them.

A Final Thought to All My Strong and Wonderful "Sisters"
So, you have done significant work on yourself and have begun to look at all of your relationships–as well as yourself–differently.

Remember that you don’t have to "settle" in any part of your life. You don’t have to settle for unhealthy, destructive relationships with your parents, friends, partner, children, or in your work environment. You always have choices. You don’t have control over the way in which you are treated by abusive people, however you do have 100 percent choice in the decisions you make about your level of contact with those people and the ways in which you allow–or disallow–them to affect your self-concept and success in life.

Visualize a plan for your life and take active steps to follow it. Remember that when you feel helpless, powerless, out of control, anxious, and depressed, the very best cure I know of is positive action on your own behalf. In that way, you do not have to live reactively to other people’s plans and ideas for you while you just go along for the ride–even though you don’t like where it’s taking you. You pick the destination and you make the roadmap. It is your one-and-only life. "Life is not a dress rehearsal," as Dr. Toni Grant, the radio psychologist likes to say. It is opening night and you are the star in the spotlight. What would you like the reviews to say about your performance?

If you remember nothing else from this book, please promise me that you will remember this: Love is a Behavior. If you can recall that phrase when interacting with anyone in your life, you will never go astray. Merely by looking at another’s behaviors, you will acquire all the information you need about them and be able to make wise decisions about your level of involvement.

I hope this book has been helpful in exploring new ideas for you. In the Resources section, you will find many books, websites, and telephone numbers that can further your growth.

Take good care of yourself. You deserve it.

© Dr. Jill Murray, 2002

We invite you to share your experiences, opinions and questions on this article. Please visit the PLW Community and leave your comments.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Jill Murray is a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Laguna Niguel, California. She speaks to thousands of young people and adults around the country each year on topics of abusive relationships, domestic violence, and child abuse. Dr. Jill is the leading authority in America on teen abusive dating relationships, and is one of only a handful of experts who have responded to the immediate crisis in this under-examined area of adolescent life and behavior.

Dr. Murray is already familiar to millions who have seen and heard her on such shows as Oprah, Montel, Leeza, and numerous radio call-in shows like Dr. Laura, talking about her first book But I Love Him. She now comes to us with updated information and tools geared toward negative behaviors in adult relationships and how to change them in a book called Destructive Relationships; A Guide to Changing the Unhealthy Relationships in Your Life (available September 2002).

Dr. Jill Murray is an associate professor of psychology at the American Behavioral Studies Institute, teaching graduate level courses on "Treatment of Victims of Violent Crimes" and "Teen Couples and the Cycle of Violence." Additionally, she has taught several courses at the community education program, Learning Tree University, on the topics of self-esteem, parenting, "Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships," "Healthy Dating Relationships," and often lectures to members of charitable organizations. Dr. Jill is also on the Board of Directors of Laura's House Domestic Violence Shelter where she has worked as a therapist for several years. You can finding out more about Dr. Murray and her work at www.DrJillMurray.com.