In The Secret of the Shadow bestselling author DEBBIE FORD shows us how to rediscover our true essence, which is hidden in the shadows of our own dramatic life stories. In her blockbuster, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers Debbie introduced us to our "shadow". Now she uncovers our "story," the collection of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors that prevent us from having all the love, happiness and success we desire. She guides us to understand that hidden in the shadow of our stories is our magnificence and our unique gift.

The Secret of the Shadow shows that the stories we tell ourselves about our lives do not define who we truly are. In fact, they prevent us from grasping our purpose and potential. When we live in these stories we engage in noisy internal dialogues, self-defeating habits, and abusive behaviors. But once they are understood and processed, our traumas and failures, our pain and our discontent will take us deep inside and return us to our Divine essence.

Our personal dramas contain important information and wisdom that can help us discover our essential selves and true purpose in life. As Debbie Ford demonstrated, the process of making peace with our stories requires us to identify, understand, accept, and embrace everything in our past that has caused us pain. In order for us to heal, we must stop chasing what Ford calls "the feel-good moments" and embark on the extraordinary journey of loving and embracing all that we are. The process outlined in this book offers us a way out of the never-ending cycle of pain and discontent. Whether we suffer from depression, ill health, a sense of unworthiness, arrogance, or low self-esteem, the road to healing is the same. This clear process (including action steps and contemplations in each chapter) will help you to discover your unique purpose and realize the fulfillment of your deepest desires.

CHAPTER FOUR

WHY YOU HOLD ON TO YOUR STORY

Our fear of change, our fear of stepping into new realities, is so deep that we desperately cling to the world we know. We often mistake familiarity for safety. The perceived comfort we derive from what is familiar keeps us living in the illusion of our stories. But the question we should ponder is, Are we really safe inside our stories? Instead of risking change, we hold on for dear life and resist the uncertainty of the unknown. I once read a story about a woman swimming across a lake with a rock in her hand. As this woman neared the center of the lake, she started to sink from the weight of the stone. "Drop the rock," shouted some people who were watching from the shore. But the woman kept swimming, now disappearing for moments at a time under the water. "Drop the rock!" the onlookers hollered louder. The woman had reached the middle of the lake and was now sinking as much as she was swimming. Once more the people urged, "Drop the rock!" and as the woman disappeared from sight for the last time, they heard her say, "I can't. It's mine."

Most of us have spent too much time resisting our dramas rather than looking for the wisdom in each of our unwanted aspects, beliefs, and circumstances. Resistance locks us inside the emotional pain of a situation. It traps us in the reality that we most want to change. Resistance comes from wishing or wanting our present circumstances to be different. Even the slightest desire for things to change can create massive amounts of internal resistance. Whether we are resisting our entire story or just a small piece of it, resistance causes us internal imbalance. It acts like glue, attaching us to the very feelings and beliefs we most want to shake free from. Even though it might seem backward, the first thing we need to do in order to heal is to accept all that we have been resisting. For the last seven years, in over fifty different cities, I have repeated these words: What you resist persists. If you take the meaning of this phrase to heart, you will have the power to make permanent, healthy changes in all areas of your life. Even though I continually teach people to embrace all that they are, most people insist on hating or disliking some aspect of their lives. It doesn't matter which part of their lives it shows up in - their bodies, their relationships, their parents, or their finances - resistance and healing do not go together. So if you choose to resist anything in your life - if you hate it, judge it, dislike it - you have guaranteed that the issue will persist.

Resistance denies us inner tranquility and the happy ending we so desire. It is the reason we stay the same. Resistance to going beyond and moving through our issues is the cause of our repetitive behaviors. Resistance to what is sucks our vital energy and blocks the natural flow of our evolution.

THE COST OF RESISTANCE

Our resistance is triggered whenever we make ourselves, others, or the world wrong. The internal belief that sets up our resistance says, "It shouldn't be like this." We then spend all our energy trying to change the reality of our circumstances. When I lecture, I love asking people, "How many of you have spent more than one thousand hours of your life trying to change the people around you, the events of your past, or some quality about yourself that you don't like - whether it's your fear, your selfishness, your fat, or your bank account?" Everyone, and I mean everyone, raises their hands. Most of us believe that if we resist the unwanted conditions of our lives long enough or hard enough, they will go away. One thing I can promise you with absolute certainty is that resisting what is will never make it go away. It might drive you deeper into denial and deeper into your story, but it won't change what happened to you when you were three, it won't help you lose twenty pounds, and it won't make you like your ex-husband.

In order to transcend our suffering, we must go against our instinct to hold on and instead surrender to the path of letting go. Anything we want to change, anything we're afraid of, anything that we are angry about or refuse to accept will keep us glued to the past and attached to our stories and the shadow beliefs that drive them. Surrendering to what is requires us to soften our hearts, let go of the expectations that come out of our stories, and accept whatever life presents us. Surrendering to all the ingredients that have made up our lives invites us to listen with innocent ears to the deeper message of our pain rather than being stopped by the familiar conclusions voiced by our Shadow Boxes. Only when we admit that we are clinging to the comfort of our stories will we be able to soften our resistance and gain the wisdom of our life's experiences. Only by making a new decision to use our stories to love ourselves rather than to beat ourselves up will we ever be free to use them in the way they were designed to be used. I promise you that if you let go, if you resign as General Manager of the Universe and as the star of your drama, your life will get easier and you will be able to hear the deeper calling of your soul.

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Debbie Ford, author of the #1 national bestseller The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, draws her unique talent and insight from in-depth personal studies of transformation and human potential. Her work as a coach, teacher, consultant, and integral faculty member of The Chopra Center for Well Being in La Jolla, California, has opened the hearts of thousands, bringing them the gift of self-love and emotional freedom. She is a graduate of the JFK University, where she earned her degree in Psychology with an emphasis in Consciousness Studies. She lives in La Jolla, California, with her son, Beau.