DOES PERFECTION EXIST? There isn't a person alive who has not at least occasionally fantasized about how a perfect partner would treat them. Some people really believe that relationship perfection can happen if they either become perfect or find the perfect match. On the other extreme, many people believe that even mediocre relationships can exist only in fantasies. So what is the truth about relationships? Do you find a Soulmate, develop one, or just settle for a Cell Mate?

Well, the chance of finding someone who matches all of your fantasies exactly is almost non-existent, but with some careful changes to your definition of what makes a "good" relationship and maybe a little better understanding of how relationships work, then you can definitely move away from Cell Mate and move towards Soulmate. The trick is that you get to choose which parts of each person become food for the relationship. You may need to be a little flexible on the containers these "ingredients" come in. Let's begin by looking at how we select those "ingredients."

Of course everybody's picture of perfection is different, but it seems there are a few traits that make everyone's list. At the top of most lists is unconditional love. The definition varies from person to person, but the essence of its meaning goes something like this:

• Unconditional love means that "flaws" are accepted and dealt with in a kind way.
• It means that the good, heartful qualities are allowed the freedom to express in forms that fit them best.
• Finally, a definition of unconditional love includes acknowledgement of the ways each person shows love.

Acceptable "Flaws"
No two people love in the same way. Some people shower their lovers with compliments, while others cook meals or fix cars to show their Love. In other words, people love by giving what they know how to give. This is not a measure of the totality of their Love, but merely a chosen way to share it. This doesn't mean, however, that their concept of unconditional love can't stretch beyond their favorite way of sharing Love.

In fact, you will be able to find many relationship prospects who will agree with the three stated points of unconditional love. But, problems always seem to arise when it comes time for that definition to be put into practice. At first, your flaws and theirs are overlooked because you are having such a wonderful time exploring each other's potential. Alas, when the honeymoon period is over and the potential hasn't materialized (but the flaws have), then unconditional love flees to the place of unrealized potential.

Generally, the land of misfit potential and misfit love contains a lot of anger and judgment. It is a nasty place that poisons everyone who enters. It is bad enough for one person in a relationship to enter this land of misfit potential and misfit love, but it is even more unfortunate when that person also pulls in the other half of the relationship. Once this happens, the title "Cell Mate Relationship" starts forming over your heads.

I'm sure you won't willingly go to the misfit place of anger and judgment, but suppose you accidentally end up there. What then? This could be a sign from "the powers that be" that you need to condense your very thick book of fantasies so you have room to add a few pages on how to look more kindly on the other person's flaws.

You might also add an addendum to your unconditional love definition that puts the unrealized potential vs. good qualities in proper balance. It might read something like this: "Good qualities must exceed the fantasy potential - even if it means giving up some of my fantasies."

Forms That Fit
In order to truly realize this new goal, where good qualities outnumber fantasies, you must become cognizant of the forms good qualities express through. It would also be wise to include a statement that covers how many flaws you can tolerate, and of course, you must make certain that the flaw list does not exceed the good qualities list. These added intents to your unconditional love definition certainly will mean you have taken several steps away from Cell Mate and are definitely headed in the direction of Soulmate.

If you can picture a relationship as a third entity, it will be easier to understand how a relationship can become a Soulmate relationship. Hold in your mind a picture of three circles. One represents your space, one your partner's, and one the relationship. Into the individual spaces you can place all the virtues and faults of each respective person. This means the third circle, or relationship space, is an empty canvas. The two of you can decide together that only good things get to go into it. Consequently, you don't have to be perfect people in order to have a Soulmate relationship.

Cell Mate relationships are also three circles. The only difference is that they are defined by misconceptions formed from past programming. For example, one detour from happiness to the place of Cell Mate relationship is taken when you decide to transform your partner into your perception of perfection. When the forms that your partner's qualities are expressed through are not on your acceptable list, the tendency is to imagine that they could be, with just a little help. In fact, if your partner doesn't accept your help to become "perfect," then you will probably make those unacceptable forms proof that your partner doesn't love you.

Rather than go through all the pain of feeling rejected and unloved because you can't change your partner, wouldn't it be much easier to negotiate some forms that would work for both of you? This may mean tweaking your acceptable qualities list as well as your acceptable forms.

For this negotiation of forms to work, the person with the "unacceptable" form must recognize that the form is not their expression - it is just a vehicle for expression. If they feel the form is who they are, they will feel judged. For example, one person may choose to express Nurturing by cuddling in front of the television. However, if television is boring to the Nurturing recipient, then that is not a good relationship form for Nurturing. The television watcher must recognize why he or she feels nurtured when they get to cuddle while watching their favorite program. They must then find another form in order for that flavor of Nurturing to express in the relationship circle. The new form, of course, must be something that works for both partners.

Most people have a credit balance on the good side of the expressive forms ledger, but their choice of how they want to use those credits may not match the form needs of the other person. While few people set out to be seen as total slobs or inconsiderate brutes, they oftentimes end up being seen that way. For instance, a good-hearted person may be awkward in social situations. That person's manners may not match the viewer's standard for manners. However, he or she still can be social on the tennis court, where the form expected is not interactive etiquette but physical skill.

Even if your qualities and forms are a good match for one person, they may not be for another. For example, in trying to be considerate, a detail-oriented person might keep his or her partner informed as to what is going on by talking about every single detail of the day during the evening meal. If the partner is a "get-to-the-bottom-line" type of person, all those details would be seen as a selfish hogging of the conversation. (Not to mention how boring it would be!) This detailed expression of Communication and Consideration might work with someone else, but here, there is a mismatched form.

Changes in the forms are an inevitable necessity. However, it doesn't work to have one person making all the changes. It usually works best for a couple to find a form that doesn't lean to one side or the other on their preference lists. This doesn't mean that a person can't choose to express in one of his or her partner's preferred forms, but it must be a good fit for both people. Choosing forms just to please others builds resentment in the end.

For this plan of choosing forms that fit you (and also work for the other person) to be profitable, you have to get to know who you are as heart energies (such as Nurturing, Consideration, Creativity, Trust, Honor, Play, etc.) rather than forms. Then, and only then, will you be willing to give up old forms of expression in order for the relationship to move towards Soulmate. Change has to be a desired thing. Redoing your habits is too difficult a task to accomplish without wanting to do it. Your partner can support you in change, but never can a partner do it for you.

Let's say your partner has agreed to give up the silent emotional role and start acknowledging his or her feelings openly. You are thrilled! Of course you want to offer your heart energy of Support, but your old form must go because it will no longer fit. Your old form of support was to feel everything vicariously for your partner. For instance, when someone would treat your partner badly, he or she would be silent while you got angry. Since you can no longer "do it for your partner," how are you going to bring Support? One way would be to ask how he or she felt about what happened. Another would be not to dominate the emotional relationship space with your feelings. Journal your feelings if you need to, but don't overwhelm your partner, who's just beginning.

Many forms can be discovered that will fit the bill for both of you. However, forms must continually change for your relationship to grow. The tendency in most relationships is to find something that works and then, no matter what happens, externally or internally, hang on to it. Change for the sake of change is not good, but change for the sake of growth is a neccessity.

Nothing will kill your spirits faster than a stagnant relationship. Are you afraid that change will be for the worse instead of the better? If so, you are not alone. In fact, I have had people say to me that they were afraid to grow personally because they would outgrow their relationship. It was clear to me in every single instance that the relationship had only a limited survival time. Even if the two stayed together, the relationship would die without growth, and eventually the Spirit of each person would grow dim.

Relationship growth can be unsettling. Yet, at the same time, it can be extremely exciting. It means that not only will you get to bring new heart energies into the relationship circle, but you also will get to grow up the ones that already exist.

To grow existing heart energies, you might choose to bring more Understanding and Sharing to your present Communication.

You might also allow more time together to support you in growing up Trust a bit more. Certainly growing Trust and expanding Communication are exciting, but no two people respond the same way to growth, thus giving the unsettled feeling that an unknown doorway is about to be entered. A new relationship is being forged!

Relationship growth happens only when both of you are open to growing individually. If you are both growing at the same pace and growing up the same energies, then relationship growth doesn't feel so unsettling. However, that is seldom the case. Even if you and your partner aregrowing the same heart energies at the same pace, each of you won't respond to the lessons in the same way. The trick is to see entering each new phase as an adventure.

It seems to be a universal truth that people want to hand hard-earnedlessons to people they love on a silver platter. If one-half of a couple gets on a healthy eatingkick because the awareness of the heart energy of Health is growing in them, then they automatically want their other halfto experience it too - whether the otherhalf wants it or not. More than likely, they will proclaim the importance and benefits of healthy eating at every opportunity. However, if the partner isn't ready for that lesson on Health, then the profundity of the other person's information will fall on deaf ears and, more than likely, tension will thicken.

Another example: Your job has forced you to bring more Organization into your awareness and you discover it is a helpful heart energy. You go home and attempt to bring Organization withyou by suggesting that your partner make the bed and clean the dishes every morning. Oops! The silver platter syndrome is trying to force itself into the picture. Your partner has not acquired any new Organization and sees no reason why it should be part of the relationship. The gift of Organization offered on your silver platter of advice goes unappreciated.

This imbalance may cause things to feel uneasy for awhile, but if you go back to the "agreeing-on-forms-together" plan, the no-organization person may start to grow that energy. Instead of cleaning the dishes and making the bed, you may both agree to pick up your things before going to bed. In the Health example, you and your partner might agree to stop going out to eat at places that serve greasy, non-healthy food. By agreeing on forms together, you can each have a bigger share of Organization and Health. Naturally, new forms will need to be added as these energies grow in the relationship, but you have to have a starting place.

Are you beginning to see that change doesn't happen by manipulating or nagging? Change happens by continually choosing forms together - forms that fit the new energies that you both wish to include in the third circle. Flaws are no longer seen as troublesome things to be eradicated. Instead, they are the small spaces you can grow from. When the emphasis is on the real heart energies, and those are played up by agreeing on forms that fit, flaws seem inconsequential.Your acceptance list is now becoming greater than the flaws you believed you had to tolerate.

Acknowledging Love
This brings us to the final item in our unconditional love list: everyone wants to have their Love acknowledged. Perhaps even more than being loved, we want our Love to be acceptable. I'm not sure which would come in first in a race, but both deserve to be winners. Luckily, both being loved and having our Love received can be experienced when heart energies and forms are both taken into consideration.

People tend to act in very loving ways, not really knowing what energies are contributing to the Love they are sharing. For instance, some mothers are super careful about protecting their children from danger because Safety is one of the contributing energies of their Love. Other mothers bring Affection in large measure. Some wrap their children in Understanding, while still others bring little of Safety, Affection or Understanding, but Support their children with their homework and school activities 100 percent.

It is usually from your mother's offerings of Love that you develop your offerings. Some of your Love energies may be quite similar to your mother's, while you may have developed others simply because you missed them in your mother's offering. To pick and choose is your right, but to deny yourself and others the right of choice is to court disappointment.

Discover what heart energies fall under your umbrella of Love and be open to other people's Love umbrellas being different colors. Keep in mind that even the same colors can come in different shades. You may both bring the energy of Loyalty, but one of you may define it as not having sex with anyone else while the other may expand the definition to cover not even looking at anybody else.

While recognizing different qualities of Love is vitally important to a relationship, it isn't always easy to do. What happens if one of you has a Love energy that the other doesn't even see as important? If bringing Abundance home in the form of money is important to your partner and it is no big deal to you, what will happen? Discounting the gift your partner brings is not a good idea. However, you can acknowledge the energy gift of Abundance carried through the money without getting all caught up in the form of having things. In other words, the heart energy behind the form needs to be the appreciated item. It is possible to receive Love in forms other than yours only when the energy given is the subject.

Needless to say, all the traits on your perfect partner list have not been discussed, but unconditional love makes up for a wide array of them. You don't really need to discard the totality of your perfect partner list if you can deal effectively with that first item: unconditional love. In bringing unconditional love into your relationship, you get to have more positives than negatives by creating more real than unreal.

You may still fantasize about how it might be if your partner looked like your favorite movie star or how nice it would be if your honey noticed your new outfit. But even if you're an expert at fantasizing, everything pales in comparison to having your flaws dealt with in a kind way, having the freedom to express your best energies, and having your special Love energies acknowledged.

You are well on your way to a Soulmate relationship when you and your partner are willing to work together to define a third space from the real heart energies that you each bring. However, to do that you have to learn how to communicate.

©2006, Jackie Woods

To purchase this book, visit www.jackiewoods.org or Amazon.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jackie Woods was born with an extraordinary intuitive gift that has allowed her to be the recipient of angelic guidance. Acting from this angelic connection, Jackie has, through her teaching, lecturing, and writing, become a leading light in the movement to transform traditional healing. Her approach takes the emphasis off simply fixing the symptoms of life's everyday problems and supports people as they move beyond their old, unhealthy patterns of living. She does this by growing the complete Spirit of a person - which has become her mission and is summed up in her now-famous catch phrase, "empowering your Heart for extraordinary living."

Jackie is the author of two previous books, Journey to Ultimate Spirituality and Spiritual Energy Cycles, along with numerous audio recordings available on Compact Disc. She is also a frequent guest on nationally syndicated radio.

Jackie grew up in southern Missouri and after moving to Atlanta, Georgia, built a highly successful practice as a healer and teacher that lasted for over 20 years. In 1998, her intuitive guidance directed her to leave her individual practice and move to the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains where she founded Adawehi (Ah-dah-way-hee) Institute, Healing School and Wellness Center. Along with her loving husband and extended family, Jackie now lives and works on the 100-acre Adawehi campus. Adawehi supports her teaching mission by offering many forms of complementary healing as well as her Awareness Courses, both onsite and via the Internet. She invites you to visit her website for more information.