In my opinion, women are natural survivors and protectors.
We are Mother Bear. We can defend a cause. We are survivors.
- Mary, landscape designer

IS IT POSSIBLE TO EMBRACE LIFE'S CONTRASTS?
Adversity is a subject we are well versed in by the end of our time on the planet. It's impossible to subscribe to life, and all it offers, without experiencing setbacks, disappointment, hurt, or grief. I believe spiritual development is fueled by the difficult circumstances we encounter. Although we can learn a tremendous amount by just having fun, refinement of the soul comes from adversity. Loss is an especially tough part of daily living, whether of a job, a spouse, a contract, your confidence, or even your car keys. Loss gives us the deepest pain and some of the greatest challenges we will ever face.

Everyone experiences patterns of gain and loss from day one. There are few exemptions. Suffering and adversity arrive periodically in their own intense forms. The good news is that we make better sense of loss as we become more experienced at living, even if there seems to be little logic behind it. Over the course of a lifetime, we ask "Why?" more times than can be remembered. The not knowing why seems just as painful as the loss itself, but everyone shares the same questions. Why do four people I know, who are part of my life, have to die in one year's time? How come every time I seem to get a little bit ahead in the business, the rug is pulled out from under me? Why do colleagues or friends betray me? Is there anyone who will truly understand me? Love me? Why do I have to keep going through the same things over and over again?

When asking others for guidance, how many times have you been told, "Well, to take a few steps forward, you have to take a few steps back"? I would be a zillionaire if I had a dollar for every time someone has said this as a way to explain adversity. Not very empowering advice to give and receive! Surprisingly, it is so ingrained in our repertoire of things to say to others, or even to ourselves when life gets us down, that we readily accept that we're going to tread water no matter what we do. It seems we already recognize that in order to get ahead and survive life's difficulties, we have to take the good with the bad. And the bad is expected in pretty big doses - certainly just as much as the good. After all, shouldn't we anticipate setbacks so we don't experience more disappointment when life takes an unexpected turn?

Let's quit passing this adage around and write new, empowered sayings that take into account the greater strength we develop as a result of adversity.

Change Your Outlook on Change
What makes one person survive loss triumphantly and turn it into positive energy, while another person in similar circumstances resigns? It has to do with our underlying assumptions about change. Two of my very dear friends have had double mastectomies after breast cancer. Losing body parts is devastating, and it's followed by the daily strain of not knowing whether you are still in remission. Yet one woman has forged ahead as a life-force warrior, focusing on the triumphs and wins of today. She doesn't look back. The other has difficulty moving forward; she has quit her job and is waiting for "something" to happen while in a self-imposed limbo. They've processed their information completely differently. Why?

It's because people want certainty before they decide to accept change. It's a natural reaction. A current cultural disease we suffer from is predictability dependence, reflected in our inability to accept change at a deeply personal level. It applies across the board to choices we make with our finances, careers, or relationships. Science, especially when applied to health issues, has given us a false sense of security. After all, it seems we've been able to control nature. We like to think we've cornered the market on predictability and good planning, when the truth is that we live in a time when prediction is more intuition and common sense than science.

No matter what science pronounces, whether in the form of a diagnosis, a prognosis, or a prediction about the environment, there is no sure thing. Science has already given us permission to accept truth with a margin of error in just about anything. There is always the possibility that something may exist, or not exist, despite what patterns indicate. It is useless to let scientific standards, or lack of proof, for that matter, hold you back. After a health crisis, job loss, divorce, or death, you will successfully navigate through change and elevate the quality of your life by knowing that anyone can beat the odds. There is evidence everywhere, not just from Christopher Reeve, Mattie Stepanek, or those whose stories you find in People magazine but from the dry cleaner, your third cousin, your own child. Let's pay attention to the real evidence, instead of looking for ways to prove that we can't make it or that the odds are just too great.

Use New Metaphors to Expand Your Thinking
Rather than telling ourselves there's loss and disappointment right around the corner, a more empowering frame of mind and heart is to look at our soul story frequently through metaphorical thinking. Metaphors help us to bridge the gap between very complex ideas and reality, because all knowledge, no matter how generated, is the result of an interpretive process.

Ancient cultures embraced the metaphor of a Great Mother (Mother God, the Goddess, Mother Nature) as a life paradigm. She's had hundreds of different names throughout the ages and has appeared in as many religions and philosophies. Through recounting folktales, myths, religious rites, symbols, and architecture, we've learned that people long ago viewed their life as existing within the womb of the Great Mother, in a cycle of birth, death, and rebirth evidenced by the stars, the seasons, and the process by which they experienced the natural world.They were smarter than we think; there was no other way to make sense of the world. People consumed and were consumed. Survival depended upon an ability to adapt to change, because it was necessary to accept it as part of the cyclical process. Nature was a metaphor for livingand the Goddess served as a referent system for what people observed in life, growth and abundance as well as death and renewal.

Unfortunately, of late we have been operating without any good metaphors for change. We still think we can dodge adversity without recognizing it as the barometer of our own self-development; consequently, we have lost much of our power as spiritual individuals. When it comes to life's adversity, we need to revisit metaphors such as Mother Earth and recapture these ideas, making room for them every day. Change is natural and expected. We are out of touch with life's natural rhythm, not just in tree-hugging, saving the whales, or simply slowing down. We've lost our ability to accept life and its most fundamental properties, including the connection with our source, who is in an eternal state of flux.

Don't Make Deals to Find Meaning in Catastrophe
During childhood, we are frequently told that making spiritual deals ("God, if you only do this, I'll...") is a way to cope with life. It may make us feel better temporarily but I believe it generates unnecessary restrictions and helps to fulfill negative expectations.
When I was a child, my uncle was terminally ill and suffered greatly in the hospital. My mother told me that my aunt had made a deal with God, asking Him to take Uncle Jack soon, to ease his suffering. In exchange, Aunt Marcella told God she would give up one of her favorite pastimes in the world: eating chocolate, which she adored. According to the family informational network, Uncle Jack then died and Aunt Marcella never touched chocolate again. She saw this as a loving tribute to him, a gift of herself in the form of a sacrifice that bought her some control over the situation.

Although denying herself chocolate for the rest of her life became a participative endeavor in obtaining the outcome she desired, it also served as a sad reminder of loss every time she wanted to enjoy sweets. She felt giving up the chocolate was the price to have her prayer answered - it was a binding spiritual agreement. I wondered what would have happened if she had lost her willpower and sneaked a couple of truffles on the side. Lightning bolts? Guilt? Would it have changed anything?

We often look for meaning in the wrong places. Punishing ourselves to even up one person's suffering with another's does not serve any purpose. We already share someone's suffering through compassion or through actions that ease their situation. By trying to make deals with the Divine, we are setting into motion an invitation to the universe for more strife - we expect and welcome it. And when it arrives, we acquiesce and allow it to become part of our lives through deprivation.

Pain Leads to Peace When We Are Fully Conscious
When we experience loss, in the form of another person leaving, it is absolutely necessary to move through the pain, experience it, grieve, get angry, perhaps resign yourself, in order to move forward. But pain places you in a position to accept comfort - allowing someone else a chance to do their soul work.

Pain does lead to peace if we put moving forward at the top of the agenda. Moving forward through loss and grief is a lesson in using empty space for love, not for more loss. Find the strength to crack open that space inside you, no matter how painful. Continue exchanging with others and fight the urge to isolate yourself. You will be amazed at what resides within.

Affirm the Positive, Present-Moment Benefits
Accepting life's contrasts at a deep spiritual level means that both good and bad serve to define you in your soul journey. We are meant to learn resiliency - we teach our children that from day one. Pick yourself up, keep moving forward, and ask for divine assistance. You will be amazed at how help arrives. Be open to receiving your good, and don't specify the exact means: the universe is infinitely creative and will send it to you in ways you may not even have imagined. Arise each day in a state of thankfulness for what you are learning. Illuminate others with your loving compassion and resolve. You are, without even realizing it, raising the consciousness of everyone around you by your inspiring example. That is why we affirm: Change is good. I am becoming more resilient with every circumstance. I never give up. Life is a cycle. There's always room for more love. I believe I am evolving every day.

Exercise: Write Your Own Resiliency Affirmation

• Start by writing a description of a circumstance that has been difficult to move through. Remember, you are going through it, not stuck there permanently.
• Remind yourself of what you have learned:
  • Change is good because I am learning how to ___.
  • Change in my life is positive because ___.
  • I never give up. The world needs my special capabilities of ___.
  • This change allows me to ___.
  • The world is a better place with my loving energy intact. My love changes the world because ___.
• Remember, you are moving through it with ease! Be comforted knowing we are all in it together. Pass Go, collect what you need from the infinite bank of wisdom, and believe you are capable of more than you thought possible.
• Now, write your own affirmation to turn your heartache into victory and joy.

Taking Spiritual Inventory: Design Resiliency into Your Life
ANALYZE. Take inventory of life's contrasts. List some of your most painful experiences, and how they have allowed you to become stronger. What was the impact on your spiritual development and that of others?

Ask yourself:

• Have I been able to release those experiences and view them as positive learning opportunities for myself? For my family? My community?
• What value did I take away from those experiences? Do I keep repeating the same stories? If so, what patterns do I detect?
• Have I been able to move on the upward spiral of spiritual development without bitterness? What benefits are there for me and for others when I see the big picture?
• Is it possible to live life without conflict? Death? Difficult relationships?
• Do I truly believe that painful circumstances in my life have a purpose? Is it true that suffering brings the point home, when it comes to life's lessons?

AFFIRM. View the big picture. Let's look at life as a soul story. What do you think you are here to learn? Consider patterns in relationships, your challenges, and hardships you have experienced. Write an affirmation that helps you overcome pain or despair. Remember to affirm the good in life!

WALK THE TALK. List the realistic actions you will take to heal. How will you act?

SHARE THE SPIRIT. Share your strengths and weaknesses. What strategies have you found helpful to survive difficult circumstances? Discuss strategies you believe will keep you moving forward without bitterness and self-pity.



© 2005, Charlene M. Proctor, PhD.