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I THINK IT'S A NATURAL, normal human reaction to want to deny anything scary, dark or beastly. Perhaps if we just close our eyes tightly enough, that mean monster will simply go away. Perhaps if we only focus on "the light, the good, the angels, and God," this venomous evil lurking in the basement of our souls will simply vanish. I have learned that this is simply childish fantasy wishing. It is also a denial of Self that can split us in two.
I was horrified at what was living within me and at having to admit that I had a lower self that was raging at being locked up and denied for so many years. This beast within was unfeeling, cold, spiteful, hostile, deceitful, hateful, manipulating, shaming, weak, cruel, black, stagnant, withholding, separate, hurtful, mean, rigid, untrusting, isolated, un-giving, hard, disconnected, unforgiving, suspicious, blocked, vindictive, shallow, impatient, untruthful, fearful, sneaky, spineless, destructive, and a big time victim. Who in their right mind would ever want to open that door?! Who in their right mind would ever want to own that about themselves?! Who would actually live through it?! Well, I did. And yes, my physical body still feels like it is been through the biggest war of it's life. For all the years "the beast" was being denied, I could never quite figure out why I felt so bad, despite the opposite face I presented to the world. And yet, that opposite face, the bright, positive, optimistic, and joyful side of myself was also part of me. It was the huge split inside myself that was causing the trouble. While I presented the "good" parts of me to the world, it was my lower self that continued to run the show. No amount of love, light, or God consciousness was going to change the way I created in my world because what I didn't realize until now is that love, light, and God consciousness can only be found in acceptance of the dark, acceptance of ALL THAT IS.
During the month of June I was divinely guided to pick up and read Thomas Moore's book, Care of the Soul. This was like a soothing balm to the raging battle that was going on within and brought such understanding and clarity to what was going on. In his book he talks about how we reach a time when the lower self is strong enough to risk and trust the Universal Life Force to carry it with movement and motion, and how it becomes willing to let go and be carried. Denying my dark self inactivated an essential part of my energies and creative forces that then stagnated. From stagnation, putrefaction follows because matter putrefies when it stagnates, when it can no longer move. The same is true of consciousness. Another comfort that I found to be soothing during this time was a prayer I wrote out from Care of the Soul and tailored it for me. It reads as follows:
What I have come to learn during this process is the incredible magnitude of my manifesting power. Only trouble was, I was using my destructive ego powers to manifest. It was all my choice, though deeply subconscious. Manifesting using destructive ego power is something we choose, it is not something that befalls us, and we tend to choose it because we have denied this part of ourselves which gives it way more power to be in charge. To become aware and conscious of ALL that we are leads us to wholeness. Denying our lower self, or anything for that matter, gives it an enormous amount of negative energy and power. Our souls are nourished by the truth, and any rejection of the self (which is mostly rejection of the child within) does nothing in moving us towards care of the soul. As Thomas Moore so eloquently writes,
Time to start manifesting using my constructive whole creative genius power! In the meantime, gentle walks in nature, lots of rest, soothing baths, and plenty of self appreciation. In other words... great care of the soul. © Heather Fraser, 2008 |
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
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It
takes courage to stand up and face the dragons within. It takes even
more courage to feel the negative emotions that beast has been carrying
for however many years. And then, if there is any courage left (and
there always will be), it takes another enormous dose of courage to
admit that that beast is part of YOU.
While
I was going through this process of feeling the negative emotions of
my dark side I truly felt that I was nothing. I think this desperate
feeling came as a result of accepting and then finally letting go of
this negative energy that I had been carrying around with me all these
years which left me feeling lost and alone. It felt like a death of
part of myself that I had been so negatively intimate with all my life.
And yet, it is in this state of nothingness, once recovered from the
shock and sadness of accepting this side of ourselves that we can create
from the unlimited potential and possibilities of the nothingness.
I
will no longer take cover and hide from my darkness. I commit to go
through it with your hand in mine. I commit totally to you, the Ultimate
Creator, to the truth and willingly let go of the old accustomed shore
that I have been desperately clinging to. My greatest longing and
desire is to change my destructive ways, but my ego cannot do it.
You God, will do it through me. I commit this day onward and forevermore
to make myself a willing, receptive channel for this to happen not
only for myself, but for others who seek my guidance. Please show
me the way that I may live in peace, love, beauty, and joy. 
While
I know a significant transformational process is taking place within,
and I no longer feel split in two, I do feel like I've been hit by a
truck! It's my physical body that feels like it's taken a beating. In
all honesty, I am exhausted and tired of transforming. I don't want
to do any more. All I want is my villa in Tuscany, my organic vineyard,
garden and olive trees, loads of sunshine, sprawling hillsides, gorgeous
flowers, and to be surrounded by people I love, doing the work that
I love, and connected to myself and others with the kind of emotional
intimacy I find only in my dreams thus far. 