Here we go again. Having survived angels floating on puffy clouds in December, now we are assaulted by cupids with their bows and arrows. How appropriate to the concept of romantic love is the image of being pierced through the heart with a pointy arrow? In most other mythologies, not to mention reality, that image would have resulted in death. Perhaps that would be better than the modern practices surrounding the celebration of this fateful day every February 14th.

Pollsters, the contemporary replacement for the Delphi Oracle, tell us that St. Valentine's Day is the most feared holiday by males. I wonder why? Could it be the unreasonable demands made on men by women to divine what the fair sex has decreed is appropriate for this celebration so revered by florists, greeting card publishers, and the candy industry? Christmas is dicey enough when we males must push past the desire to give our sweethearts something useful like blenders or a new giant television, and instead buy something that is "personal" for the ladies in our lives. Personally, I have a special relationship with my blender, a most highly useful device.

Just as we recover from the trauma of holiday season gift-giving, along rolls SVD and the sweats start all over again. It has been a war of attrition. At one time, a card, roses, and the ubiquitous heart shaped (target) box of chocolates constituted an acceptable and easily acquired sacrifice to the goddesses. Now, all of that plus is expected. The plus also must be something "special" for her that communicates you really do "care". She knows what these things are - and her man doesn't. Few men possess Mel Gibson's character's temporary ability to know what women want. For most men, it is a process of putting himself in her three-inch heels and intuiting what will touch her heart. Woe be unto him who guesses incorrectly. Where is the Delphi Oracle when you need one?

It is a massacre waiting to happen. Women, with their gelded and armed cupids firmly lined up, will indeed massacre their sweethearts should the miscreants fail to solve the conundrum of this mysterious gift-giving rite. He ends up watching basketball (since professional football has ended its season) on television while munching chocolates that got tossed back at him with some remark like, "You know I'm trying to lose weight!" It's enough to make one want to revive the days of Rubenesque standards of beauty since contemporary women are brain washed to think that they should have the sapling-like proportions of fashion models.

What's really going on? Ah, my friends, SVD is the prime holiday when both sexes experience their lack of self-worth and self-esteem. Women, besieged by decades of conditioning, expect to have their fragile self-images of beauty and sexual allure acknowledged and reinforced by their partners. Men, responding to these subtle (or not) signals, desperately attempt to interpret what acknowledgements and reinforcements will work - this year. For women, if their partners fail to provide them with what they perceive they need at this "special" time, then what chance do they have during the other eleven months? "If I have to tell you what I want, this relationship is not working." Let's face it. How many men really believe the sentiments of the romantic phrases inscribed with flowing script on the Valentine cards they give? They are lobs in the dark in the hopes that one phrase will keep the bow from loosing its arrow.

Okay, Vexson, enough of your curmudgeonly complaining, what do you suggest? What's wrong with the purveyors of fluff pocketing a few more billion dollars each February? I say nothing's wrong with capitalism. We are manipulated constantly to buy stuff that we don't need. I, myself, have instigated and profited from such exploitations. Money is not the issue. What is at stake is the fact that men and women both have such low opinions of themselves that they fall prey to the manipulation. Some marketers tell us to always appeal to fear. That precisely is the intent of the SVD's business model.

Consider the heart shaped, diamond outlined pendant. The advertisement proclaims:
"Remember who she was, is, and will always be for you.
Give the Valentine symbol that speaks of your love
for all of the years to come."

She wishes, "If he only gives me that pendant, everyone will think that he loves me." She fears that his gift won't signal to others that he sees her as worthy for that means "they" will know as well that she is not. She is busted. Her façade of "I'm okay and worthy" is undone. The subsequent anger and frustration she experiences eventually vents into their relationship.

He ponders the pendant wondering "Will this please her so she sees me as being worthy to be with her? Maybe, but I'm not sure…" He fears that she will not be pleased with his gift, and in that displeasure, expressed or not, she will see through his façade of "I'm okay and worthy." He is busted, for if she can see through him, then everyone else can as well. The subsequent anger and frustration eventually vents into their relationship.

This reciprocal failure of façades is what Li'l Abner described as the double whammy. It doesn't have to be this way. As the pitchman says, "You gots your fear, or you gots your love." Fear-based relationships come down to control or domination. If I fear that you could see my unworthiness, then if I can dominate and control you, then I can deflect you from seeing my unworthiness. There are three fear-based relationship roles.

The first is to dominate the other person. One does not need whips and chains to accomplish this role. It simply involves having the strength of will to continually strive to have one's own way all of the time. The other person becomes so busy attempting to "make" the dominator happy that there is no time or opportunity to see his or her unworthiness. The second role complements the first. The second is to accept the domination of someone else. The submissive in this respect has such low self-esteem that he or she is more satisfied (not necessarily happy - there is a difference) to be told what to do, think, and say, since someone else's opinion is naturally superior because he or she tells us that it is so. Pairings of dominants with submissives are quite common.

The third fear-based relationship role is the most interesting one. It is the avoidance of domination. "I really don't want to dominate, and I don't want to be submissive either." Psychologists refer to these folks as passive-aggressive personalities. This person attempts to control a relationship by seeming to accept another's domination (the passive part) and then covertly does whatever he or she wants to do which is dominating behavior (the aggressive part). The key part of the behavior is that the passive-aggressive avoids direct domination by agreeing to abide by the demands of the dominator while in fact going his or her merry way. The passive-aggressive fears being found unworthy so becomes covert to misdirect the attention of anyone who appears near to discovery. People who act in this role have problems sustaining relationships and often move from one to another as their chicanery is discovered.

Of interesting note, no one person is necessarily the same in every relationship. A person may be a dominator to children, accept domination from a spouse, and avoid domination from the boss. For example, someone who accepts domination on the home front may be a bully (dominator) to people outside of the home. It is an interesting and provocative exercise to look at each of your relationships and ascertain what your role is in each of them. In doing so, if you find one that does not fit the three described above, read on.

What to do, what to do? The choice of relationship roles appears rather dismal: dominate, accept domination, or avoid domination. There is a fourth, non-fear-based relationship, and that brings us back to the St. Valentine's Day mess. The fourth relationship is one of real love, of acceptance of the other person as he or she is, complete with potbelly, wrinkles, obnoxious habits, in-laws and cellulite - and this acceptance needs to be as close to 7x24x365 (366 during leap years) as possible. Every day that both people in the relationship can sustain that sense of love, that day celebrates the spirit of St. Valentine's Day. What greater love is there than to be able to say (and mean it) "I accept and want you just the way you are."

Let's put the bows and arrows away, and truly open our hearts to one another.

H. Vexson is a black sheep offspring of an established East Coast (USA) lineage that predates the Internet and who heavily invested in Xerox and Apple at the right time. After graduating from well-known ivy prep and collegiate institutions, he was struck in the head by a mallet in a polo match. Although his team did win, he experienced an epiphany, sold his ponies and the Bentley, and sallied westward to California. There he garnered some minor fame in establishing a chain of aromatherapy stores named Smell This, garnering him a small fortune and establishing independence from the East Coast Vexsons. Forsaking the family traditions of Republican conservatism, he is a Libertarian, writes bad poetry, and lives quite comfortably where he may view the ocean and the mountains as well as the poor souls going to and fro their "jobs." If you wish to have a personal communiqué forwarded to him, please do so in care of the Editor of this magazine.