WHAT IS COMPATIBILITY?

Everywhere I go, everywhere I lecture, people ask me, "What is compatibility?" The word by itself sounds so simple - it's like a pot cover that fits the right pot, correct? Or is it? Well, if it was so very simple then as soon as we see the person that is the pot cover for us we will see, of course, the obvious compatibility and the task is done... or is it? If it is so simple then why do people spend lifetimes searching for that special someone, go through enormous mental agony and often financial expense in the search? Why is it that countless books have been written and countless seminars conducted, but we still see people going through life as lonely souls in an ocean of despair?

SOUL

To understand compatibility we need to examine our soul. Our soul is extremely complex and fascinating. We can never get tired of exploring our soul. For this discussion we need not go very deep, just deep enough to learn who we are and what we need to be truly happy. By now you are probably asking yourself why I presented the question of compatibility and did not give an answer. As soon as we get in touch with who we are and what is important to us we will know who is compatible with us. Sound simple? Yes, because it is simple.

Life is simple - we artificially complicate it. When we learn who we are and what is important for us in life... what is truly important and set priorities in the right order of importance - the rest is easy. You don't believe me that it is that easy? Well let's get to work and see...

WHO AM I?

The best way to learn about ourselves is to ask lots of questions and really dig inside for answers. The secret is: the more detailed the question is, the more accurate the answer.

In the beginning the questions can be as simple as: Who am I? What is my personality? What do I want from life? What do I expect from myself? What do I like? What don't I like? What bothers me and why? What do I enjoy doing and why? What don't I enjoy doing and why? - and many more questions that you will come up with on your own. As you can see I added the question why to some of the questions because to understand yourself better you will need to question your answers.

Let's not forget you owe it first of all to yourself, if not to people who love you, to be always positive in your thinking. Of course you know by now that what we feel about ourselves we project to the world around us, and people perceive that about us. So... chest out, chin up - you are a wonderful person, believe in it and everybody else will believe in it too.

Now, let's go back to the purpose of the question, Who am I?

It seems that for most of the people I work with the best way to view all this enormous information about themselves is to write it down in the form of a table.

Let's look at some entries in the table that Karen made:

When you ask yourself these questions and more, you have a better understanding of yourself as an individual.

Now you are ready to continue to our next section of "After I determine who I am, do I wish to continue being this way? Do I like myself this way?"

SELF RE-EVALUATION AND APPRECIATION

Again the questions come in. Do I like myself just the way I am? Some people perceive that they have a lot of changes to make and some perceive that they are perfect - no changes or adjustments are needed. Why won't you decide for yourself what you think is right for you and after that, no regrets, no apologies needed. The secret - and it's not a secret if you think about it - is that what hinders our self-esteem is doubt in our self and our abilities. As soon as we examine ourselves and decide that we like what we see, we'll be more self-assured and confident in ourselves. And that's exactly what we want, isn't it? The sooner we realize our wonderful abilities and appreciate them, the better. Each of us is a wonderful and unique individual. Viva la difference. Be proud of yourself, remember? Chin up, chest out, shoulders back and breathe in with deep breaths.

Now you are ready for the next step. Let's see, what would it be? After you evaluated and analyzed who you are, perhaps it's time to think about who could be the right person for you. That's what this article is all about, isn't it? Well, yes and no. First of all, I wanted to establish self-appreciation and worth - remember, if you don't love and respect yourself, nobody will. You must reach this step in order to continue further, higher and higher in the stairway of life.

WHO IS COMPATIBLE WITH ME?

Well, after you know who you are and what you like and don't like and their levels of importance, this should be a breeze. Now let's think about that. What is the first thing we notice about a person when we see them? It's their physical appearance, of course. Take a moment to consider how important physical appearance is to you. Would you prefer somebody beautiful next to you but maybe compromise on something else about that person - perhaps character or intelligence, or both? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most important, please select a number that reflects what you consider most important. At number 10 it will mean that physical appearance is the only thing that is important to you in a mate, and the rest is not. Be totally honest with yourself - don't write what you prefer, write what is important for you to be happy ... what you must have.

I am not discounting the fact that there may be many beautiful people with wonderful personalities that are compatible with you, that's not our concern at this moment. Imagine a starving man lost in a desert for ten days. He must have water for survival - all other liquids (tea, juice...) are optional but not necessary. The same applies in this question. Let's put this in a table to organize the question and to view that as one complete picture of our desire.

If you followed my advice and evaluated the level of importance by viewing each question as if it stands by itself, you now have a good idea of what kind of person you think will be good for you. You established what is important and what is optional. As soon as all this is clear you are ready! That's what you've been waiting for, isn't it?

HOW TO GO ABOUT MEETING THAT SPECIAL PERSON

One of the first questions everyone asks me is: Where is a good place to meet somebody? I always have the same answer - everywhere! Yes, everywhere - please don't limit yourself to only one designated place. Good places are everywhere: in the park when you walk your dog, on the streets when you do your morning jog, in a supermarket. Let your eyes wander off your shopping list to an interesting face you see out of the corner of your eye. It can be at a football game, in the neighbor's back yard, or at a party for your friend's wedding anniversary - anywhere and everywhere.

A good friend of mine met her life partner through a cab driver that she used one night! After she mentioned that she is looking for a good man for herself, he offered her his best friend's phone number - explaining what a wonderful man he is. She called and the rest is history.

You will agree with me that we are surrounded with people most of the time, everywhere we are - so why not treat them as potential mates? Actually, when you don't treat them as potential mates you are definitely limiting your possibilities tremendously without even being aware of it. So now we agree that every new person that you see is a potential candidate. But what about all the other people that you already know? What about the hygienist in the dentist's office, the postman, or the neighbor in 3A? There's a good chance that you already know your mate, but never thought of that person that way - you never gave it a chance. The only advice here is open-mindedness. As soon as you open your mind to your surroundings you will realize the possibilities are endless.

Many people told me that the hardest thing to do is the first step - approaching the person. Let's examine this, why is it so difficult? Maybe it is the fear of rejection? To hear "no" is always a shock? I agree that it is not pleasant to meet with such a response to your openness. But maybe the response was so cold because the person perceived an abrupt invasion into their domain and acted on an instinct to protect. How about trying a gentle approach of just striking up a casual conversation with this individual instead of a direct invitation for something that requires a physical response?

Ron was shopping in his favorite supermarket when he spotted her in a fruit aisle. He felt drawn to this woman like a magnet. Moving slowly, he situated himself next to her while she was picking some apples. Ron commented that the apples looked fresh and perfect for an apple pie, that's his favorite. Irene agreed, and mentioned that she's having friends over for a party and is trying an interesting main course recipe involving apples. They chatted for awhile (establishing contact ) and Irene decided to invite him to her party (non-threatening situation). Ron offered to bring homemade apple pie. I can't emphasize enough the fact that in order to be able to converse with the opposite sex you must be at ease, relaxed, and comfortable. Otherwise you will be paralyzed with fear.

When developing relationships, there are a few guidelines to follow:

Be positive - First of all, always talk positively - remember? This way you will come out to be a positive person in the eyes of your date. Never, never, never speak ill of your ex-relationship - the mark will be on you, not on your ex.

Dress accordingly - When going on a date, dress accordingly. Find out the dress code at the place you are going. Always dress comfortably and in clothes that are not confining, you never know when you will be requested to dance! No matter where you are going, always dress a little better than the required norm, this is a good indication of refinement. The more thought you put into your outfit the more respect it will show for your date.

Arrive early - Arrive 5 minutes early, this will give you time to sit, relax, and collect your thoughts for a pleasurable and relaxing date.

Stay relaxed and calm - Tenseness is visible in your body language and speech, and will not be overlooked by your date.

I also advise you not to appear anxious - don't sound like this person is your last hope for life. Perhaps it's flattering at first, but no one wants to feel completely responsible for your life. It sounds desperate, and few people want to associate with desperate people. People who seek connection to desperate people tend to need some help themselves. Many people who fall in love give all of themselves to their object of desire and forget themselves in the process. They lose their identity and lose touch with who they are, like jumping into a deep sea without keeping in mind where the land is. They let themselves be carried away with the current. Remember, your lover fell in love with you the way you were when you met - if you lose yourself as this person, what will there be to love? Don't forget your hobbies, don't forget your friends, and for goodness sake don't forget to take time for yourself and develop who you are. Your lover will respect you for it. Warning: if your lover doesn't want you to have time for yourself or tries to limit you - watch out - this can mean possessive attachment.

SHOULD MY LOVER BE ABLE TO SATISFY ALL OF MY NEEDS?

No one person can satisfy all of your desires, needs and wants - please remember that. If your lover seems to migrate toward this, talk it out - don't let it escalate to the point of no return.

I suggest another thing that I repeat again and again in my counseling: honesty. Please stay honest with yourself and with your lover throughout the relationship. You lover will respect you for it, and you will respect yourself. People like to hear what you really think of them, and it helps to keep their bearings straight. When I am saying be honest I don't mean saying anything and everything that comes to your mind without thinking it through.

Another important thing that I know you've heard many times before is meditation. Meditation will help you tremendously throughout your quest and beyond. It will help you communicate with your subconscious mind and help you gain better control over your body and mind. You will feel the benefits of daily meditation very soon.

These are the basics for finding and attracting a mate. I wish you well in your search.

Inessa King Zaleski, MCH, Reiki Master and certified hypnotherapy instructor has been helping people around the world to turn their dreams into reality since 1988. She has presented at many seminars, conferences, conventions and retreat workshops on relationships, spiritual unfolding and self mastery - helping thousands take charge of their life and find happiness. Inessa is actively involved with deep mind explorations, Vipassana Insight Meditation, and Reiki healing and is the creator of over 200 powerful self mastery recordings that guide the listener to achieve the results they want. She has an extensive background in yoga, various meditation methods, mind and body healing, NLP, hypnotherapy, TFT, and various other counseling approaches. Inessa is the creator of the Reikinosis healing method, a unique mind/body healing modality that has been shown to be effective in releasing cancer, has published many articles and has an extensively informative web presence. She is an intuitive matchmaker and ran a dating service for many years. Inessa has a private counseling practice and offers counseling/coaching by phone, in person and through custom recordings. This article is an excerpt from her soon-to-be-published Mate Quest book. Visit her website (http://calmness.com) for more information. E-mail (planetlightworker@calmness.com) or call 732/577-1818.

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