I Don't Belong

By John Payne

There have been many people who have come to me with a feeling of "I don't belong" or feelings of "I just don't fit in", or "My family feels like strangers to me". The individuals who have these feelings areoften spiritual seekers or involved in one way or another in a spiritual practice and have a sense of being 'different', not really of this world. So what do family constellations reveal about this?

When someone has these feelings, the family dynamic reveals that one of the parents is in some way suicidal and that the child wants to follow or go in their place. When we talk of suicidal, we do not mean in the traditional sense of a person who is often contemplating suicide, although that can be the case, but we are talking of someone who has a hidden, but strong desire to be with the dead. This dynamic happens most often when a tragic death has occurred somewhere within the family system. It could be that a sibling, or the sibling of a parent or grandparent died at an early age, was stillborn or died in some other untimely way. When the dead are not honoured and their fate not accepted by the living, then a member of that family system will always show loyalty to that one by wanting to follow them.

In the case of children, they will often say to the parent "Rather that I die than you" and "I will go in your place so that you can stay". Let us give you an example of how this can work. A mother of three children had a younger sister that died just a few minutes after her birth. This child was never named, there was no funeral and no one ever spoke of the child. The mother of three always considered herself to be the second child of 5 instead of 6 children, in this way, the dead have been forgotten. However, the 'dead' contribute to the psychic energy in a family and are part of that family, whether in physical or not. This mother of three has a tendency to want to be with her sister. Why? So that her mother can stay and be with her other siblings, that is her sacrifice of love. The grief of the mother is so great, there is a tendency for her to want to leave and be with the child, so our mother of three, her daughter, wants to be with her sister in place of her mother. Then time comes around for this daughter to have children, and she does. As her children come into being, they too feel the presence of the forgotten child, and likewise, one of her children adopts the tendency to follow the dead child and says, "let me go so that you can stay". This child, the niece or nephew of the original dead child has the feelings of not belonging, not fitting in, not being of this world. Why? Because they are the feelings of the dead child, the one that has been forgotten, is not of this world and has not been given a place in the family and therefore does not fit in.

In the collective soul of the family, every soul must be remembered and honoured. When a soul is forgotten, then another will represent this. In this example you can see how the sister of the dead child became suicidal and then one of her children the same - all out of love and loyalty to the forgotten child. We used the example of a stillborn child, but this can also be true of miscarriages and of course for children who die at a later age. Untimely death has shown us that its effects can reach through several generations.

Let us give you the example again:

Grandmother (suicidal - Wants to follow child 3) Grandfather

Child 1

Child 2 (Suicidal, says to mother "I'll go so that you can stay")

Child 3(dies at birth)

Child 4

Child 5

Child 6

Child 2 Becomes mother

Mother Father

Child 1

Child 2

Child 3 (is suicidal "I don't belong", is looking for child 3 in mother's family on her behalf. Wants to leave so that mother can stay)

What is the solution?

Although the child and the grandchild's desire to follow the dead is an act of love, it is misguided. In addition, it places the child above the parent in terms of the natural family hierarchy. In a family system, it is never the child that should carry anything for a parent, although this frequently happens. This occurs owing to the magical idea that the child has that is they assist in carrying the problem, be that grief or guilt, then the parent is better able to fulfill their function. This, although motivated by love, is presumptuous on the part of the child. This presumptuousness often leads the child to develop arrogance as a personality trait in later life. The solution to this problem is for the child to give back to the parent what is theirs and to honour the parent as the more senior member of the family hierarchy. Often, there is great resistance to this as the child's presumptuousness frequently leads it to believe that it is superior to the parent in some way, more capable, more able. The cost of this stance can be high. It can lead to failed relationships, failed businesses, always feeling the odd one out, not belonging etc.

The solution is to honour the position of the parents and leave what is theirs to them, even if it is suicidal tendencies. This example is a classic case of systemic entanglement, much more common than we all suppose.

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John Payne is an internationally known workshop leader, author, motivational teacher, and Family Constellations facilitator. John has worked with and studied Family Constellations for more than four years and has assisted many hundreds of people worldwide. John studied Family Constellations in Holland where he lived for ten years.

Family Constellations is a method developed by Bert Hellinger in Germany. Mr Hellinger is one of Germany's leading therapists and from Germany, this marvelous technique migrated to neighbouring Holland and now to the Caribbean and South Africa. Website: http://www.familyconstellations.net Email: familyconstellations@yahoo.com.