By Judith Costello, MA, ATR-BC

Raising such a child requires that we, as parents, be in balance. It requires being centered in order to redirect the sense of embarrassment we may feel when Peter refuses to leave a store and throws a tantrum. I have had mothers whose children are quietly well-behaved question my ability as a parent because Peter will often refuse to cooperate.

How do we live with such children? I believe in the concept of spiritual parenting… that is, we must find our own inner voice, even in the midst of turmoil, AND we must honor the spirits of our children. It’s not easy, and I am the first to admit that I lose it often. It is hard to stay in a spiritual place when your son says “no” to absolutely everything!

I would like to share three suggestions that I have been personally working on lately. I find that when I can implement these three ideas my relationship with Peter is cooperative and enjoyable!

Taking time for Spirit! The first requirement for spiritual parenting is that parents must find time for regular “Spirit” breaks. This means taking a few moments several times during the day to pray, meditate or get in touch with that “still small inner voice” – a voice of guidance. Someone recently suggested to me that this is like taking a coffee break, only we need “spirit” breaks more often. We, as busy parents, need to take a few moments to tune into our spiritual essence and our connection to the universe and all life. I have a bracelet of Buddhist prayer beads that I wear. Whenever I notice it, I hold on to one bead and focus on the beauty of God within. There is a song that goes, “You are so wonderful… a wonderful child of God.” First, I see myself when I sing these words, then I see my children… then my husband. This little meditation doesn’t take long, and yet it really refreshes me and gives me a new perspective.

The second suggestion is: IGNORE the “No’s without ignoring the child.” I remember back when Peter was first learning to get dressed by himself, he would always refuse. Leaving the house in the morning was a nightmare. I finally learned to tell Peter when we would be leaving and to lay his clothes on a chair. Then I’d ignore his “I won’t. I can’t. I’m not going.” I tried to not ignore HIM, but rather, ignore the words. The important thing is to BELIEVE that he will cooperate when he is ready. These words of resistance are his way of asserting his choice. He needs to feel he is getting ready to leave the house because HE wants to. Eventually, Peter stopped needing to say “no” whenever I said it was time to get dressed. Now he says “no” about actually getting in the car! In response, I visualize his cooperation. When I listen to the “no” we get into a battle of wills. But when I let him say it without believing it, when I tune into his spiritual goodness, then he is in the car within a few minutes.

Play with your child on their terms! We have recently moved across the country. There are boxes everywhere and so many things to do to get re-organized. For a while, I lost sight of what Peter needed. All of a sudden he was acting out. The dogs got to eat globs of peanut butter from fingers that were then wiped on walls. Peter was letting me know that he had enough of opening boxes and carrying papers and feeling that he was really in the way. He wanted attention on his terms. We went hiking in the mountains. I let Peter lead and set the direction of our climb. We haven’t had any more peanut butter on the walls since I have tuned into needing to give Peter some special time where we play HIS way every day. He likes to race cars back and forth on the floor. He likes to kick a ball in the back yard. He has a great need to run and jump and release energy. I am trying hard to pay attention when those needs come up.

Our indigo children need to assert their wills and feel their power. We need to provide some parameters for that willfulness while respecting their tender spirits.