Power is something I come at over and over again. I am not sure I want it and yet am irresistibly attracted to it. Sometimes I approach it with extreme caution, poking it with a stick and jumping back if it moves. Often, I request it from myself, then change my mind when I find out the form it is going to come in. It has been difficult to recognize, and has been known to sneak up on and surprise me. In the past, being powerful has often consisted of "going in through the back door" - knowing what I don't want, and acting on that.

Over the last 15-20 years I have been employed in the teaching profession in public schools. Most of the time I have found it enjoyable, rewarding and interesting; but something in me longed to live differently. During my free time I wrote poetry, joined writing groups and classes, meditated, worked with Native American and elemental guides, experienced past lives, worked with crystals, channeled writing, studied spirituality from various perspectives, learned Reiki and reflexology and even took a voice class. Each time I experienced success and confidence in these areas I walked away. I always believed that the inner world and the outer world couldn't be integrated and I was afraid to be seen for who I was, afraid of ridicule and rejection.

The most challenging aspect of self-empowerment, for me, has been to set aside all the metaphysical, the therapy and the self-motivational overanalyzing and just 'be'. Quite frankly, being in my head has always been a lot more comfortable and familiar, in a weird "I've been here before and it is how I have always done it, so I'll stay here even though, deep down, I desire something more satisfying and inspiring" sort of way. Knowing what I do want tends to bring up expectations of perfection in me, causing much unnecessary self-constriction and doubt. For several years I have been working with, and resisting, my Highest Self and Spirit Guides. Many times they have reminded me that in the future I will have the life I created, nothing more, nothing less. Although others' choices will affect me, mine - and mine alone - will make the most significant impact.

This life is one of great challenges; but it is the adherence to fearful beliefs which causes the most pain to all concerned. Disciplining my mind and developing my heart and connection to Spirit determines the course of my life. The process is everything. Writing this article is part of that process.

It is essential to spend time each day simply doing that which makes us happy, truly joyful and feels "in the flow," like we were meant to. In my case it would be the following: Reiki, writing, singing, traveling, reading, laughing, dancing, movies and conversations with friends and loved ones. Forgetting is the flip side of remembering; it is so easy for us to turn over onto our backs like little tortoises, legs in the air, and wait for someone to turn us back over so we can move. In my experience, not honoring your own sincere desires, inner directives and needs can cause your power to stagnate, fester and/or lash out unexpectedly in nonproductive or hurtful ways. This was made very clear to me due to four years in a job where there was little support, direction or teamwork, resulting in ongoing conflicts which could have been resolved in a timely, professional manner, had there been a desire to do so. I can attest that if it goes on long enough one can temporarily forget what it once was like to be a powerful person, and to recognize one's own gifts.

It is also important to make room in your life for understanding any strong emotion you experience and its origins. Four years ago, my husband and I decided to have a baby. At 37 I quickly became pregnant for the first time in my life. During the second month I was on bed rest because of constant bleeding and periodic severe cramping on my left side. I became anemic and one morning I fainted as I walked into the doctor's office. An ectopic pregnancy was discovered and I entered the hospital that afternoon. I was told that I could probably conceive again but that there would be scar tissue from the internal bleeding and the surgery. This experience was devastating to my husband and I, particularly given that most people we knew needed to downplay it and the emotions that went along with it. I experienced a serious crisis of faith and was very angry with God and my guides for some time. Thanks to a wonderful counselor, a woman's group, grieving the loss and taking traditional Chinese medicine to strengthen my system, I feel much better now. Though some of the grief and disappointment is still with us, the hopelessness, thankfully, is not. I look forward to becoming pregnant again, and believe that if it is not meant to be we will find other ways to have children in our lives.

I am finding that the more I do what feels right and free, what feeds me at a deep level and helps me feel connected, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. This involves being willing to let go of people, places and things I've outgrown or no longer have anything in common with, so that whatever or whomever is most appropriate can come into my life.

For me, the transition can sometimes be painful, awkward and a source of guilt at letting people go. I try to appreciate everyone I have known and be thankful for the gifts we gave each other and the lessons learned together. I practice working through resentments and releasing them, as well as the concept that I must be everybody's friend, which is very challenging for me as I tend to take things to heart. The inspiring side to all this, however, is the magical way new friends, new opportunities and new insights flood into my life as I let go and welcome change.

Working with Spirit has prompted me to look deeply at all my relationships: with others and with myself. I believe that the assumption of power includes the vehicles and manner through which we experience and demonstrate relationships with all beings, and what we learn about ourself and others in the process. Loving myself and understanding what this entails is a constantly evolving lesson. "In the spiritual life we are always at the beginning" (from The Book of Runes by Ralph Blum).

Due to lack of awareness of my own needs and the necessity at times of walking my own path alone with only God and my Higher Self as guides, I would feel very lonely. I would stretch my expectations of loved ones and try to move them in directions that either didn't fit them or fit the nature of our relationship, rather than accepting them and their own cycle of development. The necessity of having like-minded people in my life is quite plain to me now and not something I will neglect in the future. Even during the "dark nights of the soul," someone loving always comes along who makes the transition easier and who challenges your outlook when you need it. I have been blessed many times along the way by just such people and I am grateful.

My Guides and Spirit have been of enormous comfort to me, especially when I allowed their wisdom to penetrate my defenses and increase my understanding. I am in the process of releasing self-limiting beliefs and embracing the gifts and knowledge I've been given. It involves time, effort and most of all, willingness to undo the habits I have created and form new ones. The results, however - increased love, joy, self-realization and hope - are well worth it. During this past year I have realized that I am no longer content to sip water through a straw when I can be swimming in the ocean. I am learning to not be afraid of my own light, to want to take the lead; to change the perception that I'm not 'up to' the responsibility of lightwork because of my temper, my sensitive nature, my issues, etc. This is all judgment, lack of perspective and refusal to acknowledge my own hard work, growth and expansion as a soul here on earth.

There is also something that I have learned about "speaking your own truth." We can slip up quite easily without really knowing why or how at the time. An example of this is the assumption, conscious or not, that since we "spiritual people" are on a healing path, therefore our words are pearls cast before swine; and if we do or say something hurtful or inconsiderate, well, it is the other person who can do what they will with our "truth." Having been on the receiving as well as the giving end of the above, I am finding that the truth, tempered with love, understanding and giving up the need to be right, helps everyone along their path.

I encourage you to seek one another out and share what most makes you feel alive, healthy, vigorous, loved, loving and present in the moment; to allow yourself to live on all levels, not just the one we each automatically reverts to whenever there is a challenge facing us. It's okay to not have it all figured out; you're never going to, anyway! Let your gifts unfold, discover what it takes to stay aware and true to yourself and honor it. The more you stand in your truth the more your truth stands in you.