This was a valuable friendship, and more and more I was aware of the need to choose companions wisely…to reflect the best of myself and my possibilities rather than my limitations. Once long ago, I’d had a teacher who summed it up very simply. “How do you know what your own liver looks like unless you look at the liver of somebody else?” I’d thought that was a strange statement at the time…but realized the truth of what she’d said as the years went by.

We see ourselves constantly in everybody around us. They are mirrors, reflecting parts of ourselves back to us, and sometimes it’s hard to believe that, because they may represent our blind spot or our judgments. Through the years, whenever I’d get upset at my friends or relatives, I always had to ask myself, “What are they showing me about me?”

That same teacher would look at the sea of faces in front of her and challenge us to write a list of all our grievances against someone who caused us suffering. At the end of the exercise, when we felt smug and self-satisfied, she’d smile like the Cheshire Cat and say, “Now put your name in the place of the one you are condemning.” Everyone groaned. Instead of ‘She never listens to me,’ we had to turn it around. ‘I never listen to her.’ ‘He doesn’t appreciate me’ became ‘I don’t appreciate him.’ And then beyond that… ‘I never listen to me.’ ‘I don’t appreciate myself.’ She had a way of getting to the heart of an issue and making us look at our part in the process. It was great training, and I carried it with me through the years.

She counseled us to pay attention to the quality of our relationships. Gradually, I recognized people in my life who encouraged me to grow, as well as the ones who were threatened whenever I would take a step forward. It wasn’t easy to give up old friendships that had been established during a time when my needs were different, and when love was involved, it was even harder. But I found myself imprisoned by lack of growth, and for me relationships had to involve the component of a search for meaning and compatible goals of unfoldment.

So I was thankful for my friends like Bonita, and coming back to the present moment, we completed our hike up the hill, and stood at the summit looking over the valley in quiet appreciation. Bonita let out a hearty ‘whoop’ as we moved towards her home nestled amidst the trees. Behind the main house was a beautiful octagonal structure that had been built on what she and her husband were told was a sacred site, and the work she did there with groups helped them get in touch with the sacred parts of themselves through sound, meditation, and music.

As we walked into what was called the Center, I could feel the sense of peace and ease it always gave me. There was a welcoming presence that encouraged insights and reflection.

“Would you like some tea?” Bonita asked.

I responded that I would, but that I’d like to meditate first. So we each found comfortable spaces in which to sit, and as I eased into a state of relaxation, moving away from the personal me to a greater collective sense of unity, I felt the presence of what I came to regard as the inner teacher. As I became still and listened, a message seemed to imprint itself upon my mind: Find the Holy Grail. Find the what, I thought? Find the Holy Grail. The presence receded, and I was left with the cryptic message.

Bonita and I always shared our insights after meditation, and I paused, as if trying to find the right words. I told her what I’d received and asked her what she knew about the Grail.

“Not much, but I do know that there has to be a book about it. Wasn’t that connected to the myth of King Arthur?”

I nodded my head, because that seemed right, and mentally noted that I would go to my favorite bookstore to investigate further. After we’d finished our tea and made arrangements for our next walk, I drove down the hill, questioning what I knew about the Grail. Very little. What an odd message, I thought, and wondered what it meant…but recognized from experience that this was the way I was led to grow. I’d felt the Presence many years ago when I learned to meditate, and it had taken me on a number of journeys, each insight or directive leading to something more that rounded out a part of my education, adding dimension to my understanding.

When I thought about it, what I called the Presence had been there when I was little. One day at about age four, I was playing in my bedroom, when I noticed a file of ants marching across the floor. In a fit of anger, I began to step on them. As I did this, I could feel the color red inside me and a swelling of something that I now recognize as power. The killing of them inflated a part of me that wanted dominion, and in the midst of my action, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a voice that came from beyond the lustful sensation, and lodged itself in front of me. “Stop!” it commanded.

I halted in the midst of my frenzy and looked around. Again, the voice spoke. “Stop! You are never to do that again.” My attention diverted from the act of killing to this compelling presence, I stood quietly and listened. “It is not your right to kill anything. You must never do that again because it is wrong.” The voice was not judgmental in tone. It was the voice of a loving parent, explaining right from wrong.

In that moment my guilt was so great, I looked at what I’d done. Ants were scurrying everywhere, confused in their pattern. I immediately went to the kitchen and brought the sugar bowl, leaving little clumps of it for the remaining ones who’d escaped my rampage. I cleaned up the dead ants and asked forgiveness for my action. From that point, the Presence was with me. It remained evident until I became self-conscious at the time of puberty…and then seemed to disappear until such time as I consciously brought myself into prayer, meditation and reflection.

So here again, it had surfaced, and I was being set on a course to investigate what finding the Holy Grail meant. I knew this venture would have to wait until tomorrow, because I had deadlines to meet. As the editor of a small quarterly newsletter, I was bound to finish the spring issue before it was summer!

I awoke the next morning, remembering a dream from the night before. It was strange in its implication. A man came to meet with a friend of mine who had a little software company that I helped manage in the past, so I was standing with my friend as this other individual approached us. He wanted to buy some of John’s software, and his assistant seemed very nervous and asked us if we knew how wealthy his boss really was. In effect, he said to us, “Don’t you know who Russell Steitz is? He’s one of the wealthiest men in the United States.”

As I looked back at the man referred to, he appeared to be someone who would go to whatever means necessary to get what he wanted. I felt he was not to be trusted or trifled with, because he had a strong need to exert power and control over others.

In the next scene of my dream, we were in another room, and this man, Russell, was talking to a group of us. He was standing over us and seemed to be in an adversarial position. His actions confirmed my earlier suspicions of his need to control.

All of a sudden I looked up and saw him…the real him who dwelt inside…and I blurted out, “Oh, Russell, have you forgotten who you really are?” He looked towards me, infuriated at the perceived attack, and began to launch into a tirade. However, when he saw who had spoken, and observed the look of pure love and clarity on my face, his whole demeanor shifted, and his expression softened. Remembrance replaced anger, and he asked if we’d gone to school together.

I knew we hadn’t been to school together…that I was just to remind him of the original intention and vision for his life. This man who had been embroiled by his position released the veil that kept him from himself. My calling him out had opened that possibility.

The dream was over, and I shook myself after writing it down. I wondered what it meant, and how it fit in to the message I’d received yesterday. It brought up a related thought in the bible about the rich man going to heaven.

In the English versions translated from Greek, the admonition is given that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go through the gates of heaven. However, in the original Aramaic, which was the language of Jesus, the translation states that it is easier for a rope to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go through the gates of heaven, the implication being that if a rope is reduced to its simplest strand, it can pass through the eye. However, it cannot get through while it is in an inflated state because it is encumbered by accumulation. Somehow that tied into the dream, and I vowed to get hold of the Lamsa Bible which was the Aramaic translation that more accurately reflected what the new testament actually stated. I thought there might be other important differences in translation that I would need later.

From years past, I became aware of synchronicity, the act of meaningful coincidence. The eminent Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, had done a lot of work in the field as had others, and I found that coincidence meant coinciding events that brought an important moment together. Those meaningful coincidences were never to be discarded, for they contained valuable clues to the future. After dressing, I decided my first stop would be the bookstore.

Wisdom Books was located in an old house on the peninsula and had an air of magic about it. I was friends with the owner and had actually participated in its creation fifteen years before. Now I worked there on Sundays as part of my service to others. I often bought more books than I made in salary, but it was worth it. This for me was a place of meaningful coincidence. As I walked up the steps and opened the door, I was greeted by my friend Matthew, the store’s owner.

“Matt, what books do you have on the Holy Grail?” I asked, never being one for beating around the bush. He looked at me strangely and asked why I was curious. “Because I’d had a message in my meditation yesterday that I was supposed to find the Holy Grail.”

“Funny! You’re the third person this morning to come in and ask the same question.” He got up and walked to a section in the store that had books related to myth and King Arthur. “Too bad. They bought what I had, but let’s see what we can find.” As he rummaged through the shelves, I thought about our used book room and said I’d go back there. Wondering why others had also gotten the message, I was more curious than ever to find the meaning of the directive. Poking amidst the used books, I could find nothing, and he came around, shaking his head. “No luck. But I’ll have more within the week. I’ll place an order today.”

Disappointed, I thought how in the past I never seemed to find what I needed through a class or in books alone. It was as though I had to find truth through the clues life presented. Once during the ‘70s when having a spiritual teacher was especially popular, the inner Presence told me that I was not to attach myself to one view only, because Life was my teacher. I laughed as I recalled this and shared it with Matt, who was not only a great resource, but a good friend.

“Well, Matt…what do you know about the Holy Grail? How would you define it?” He thought for a moment. “It’s actually quite complex, but what it boils down to is that each of us is a Grail, and the quest for the Holy Grail is a search for unity and wholeness within ourselves. It goes way beyond the Arthurian legends and can be traced back to Hermetic philosophy.”

What he told me intrigued me as I thought about a poster I had on a door in my study. It was of Hermes, who was the Ancient Egyptian personification of wisdom. Now I was feeling excited, for I was looking at clues and needed to put them together. I spent a little more time in the store, looking through some dictionaries of symbols, jotting down notes, and then left.

At home I looked at the poster. Inscribed on it was a statement: “The supreme mind¾being light and life, fashioned a glorious universal man in its own image. A man of earth and a man of heaven, dwelling in the light of God.

Understand, O Hermes, and meditate deeply upon the mystery. That which in you sees and hears is not of the world, but is the mind of God, incarnate… Divine Light dwells in the midst of mortal darkness, and ignorance cannot divide them…Learn deeply of the mind and its mystery, for therein lies the secret of eternal life!”

The poster went on to tell of Hermes’ writing which personified universal wisdom with sacred eloquence. That wisdom was dormant for ages, but was now stirring in the hearts and minds of the people of the world as a spiritual awakening was taking place. The Great Pyramid, which was a symbol of eternity, was said to be dedicated to this new humanity.

So here was an ancient writer who saw the human being as potentially divine, and that the key to that divinity was within the mind. It wasn’t a lot, but gave a piece that might fit a larger puzzle later. I looked at my notes from the bookstore. The dictionary of symbols had information about the Grail. It originated from pre-Christian religions and was later translated within Christianity as the vessel for the holy sacraments.