Journeying
B Y  K R I S T E N  O' C O N N O R

“Where there is great love there are always miracles.” - Willa Cather

I HAVE BEEN ON AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY THIS PAST YEAR, attending my beloved mom while she died unexpectedly from lung cancer. (Mom never smoked a single cigarette in her life!) My mother was young - barely 62 - feisty, funny, and one of my closest friends. From the day we first went to the doctor together, fearing perhaps she had pneumonia, Mom lived exactly 10 months more. During that time we spent almost every moment together, and though it wasn't always easy, it was truly a gift to both of us. At one point during the last few days of Mom's life, she commented how GLAD she was that she had died of cancer--that she had had the time to reflect on her life and say goodbye, in the company of those she so dearly loved.

Mom died at home, which was her wish, and ours. She wanted to be cremated, and with the exception of very close friends and family, she did not want her body to be viewed. She wanted a ceremony in a church, and she wanted loved ones to gather afterward and laugh and tell stories. All of this was important to Mom, and my brothers and I carried out her wishes to the letter. The service turned out beautifully--the music and food were amazing and many people spoke kindly and lovingly of how Mom had touched their lives in special ways. We had photos and mementos everywhere, and the house was filled with all sorts of flowers that mom loved. I know Mom would have been very pleased.

The part of the story that most people don't know, and the part that I wanted to share here, is not about my mom's wishes with regard to the end of her life, but instead the wishes and desires of those who were left behind.

When Mom got sick, I immediately made an agreement with her that I would stand beside her through the entire process, come what may. I quit my job, left my house, and dedicated myself to being fully present for whatever was ahead. Mom moved her bed into the living room and I slept beside her nearly every night. There were a lot of hard times, and suppose I could write for years and still never touch on all the ways that our months together challenged, inspired, and transformed my family and me. In any case, I CHOSE to participate fully in the end of my mom's life, because I wanted to.

I treasured this woman and all that she had been to me, and I felt ready to go to the "ends of the Earth" to honor her in the most profound way I could. Nothing else could have felt so right.

Because we knew Mom was dying, we had some time to think about her death, and how we would like her funeral to be. As I said earlier, Mom had some definitive ideas about what she wanted, but I realized that my brothers and I, too, had specific desires about how we wanted things to play out. What we came up with was that more than anything we wanted the end of Mom's life to reflect the whole of Mom's life, and we wanted her service to be genuine and loving, orchestrated by people who knew and cherished her. Mom herself didn't seem to have strong feelings about this, but we found that WE did. Without a whole lot of guidance, other than our intuition, my brothers and I decided to take on doing Mom's funeral ourselves. My brothers shopped around a bit and ended up buying some gorgeous pine planks from a company in Windsor, California, and without any specific plans, set about building a simple, beautiful box for Mom's body. Using wooden dowels instead of nails, accompanied by much laugher and tears, night after night, "the boys" (as Mom always called them) worked together in the garage finishing Mom's casket. Everyone who wanted took turns sanding the top and sides, and together we participated in creating a top piece into which we carved a big heart that said "Nana." The heart was designed by my seven year-old daughter. The day before she died, Mom sadly and lovingly ran her fingers over that heart, and told us through her tears that she thought it was wonderful.

After Mom died I had very strong feelings about the sacredness of her body. So much love been poured into her heart and home during the past year, and I wanted only those who loved her to touch or move her. An hour or so after her passing, we carefully changed her clothing, since I knew she wanted to leave this world in her favorite purple flowered dress. Her body was still soft and warm, and changing her clothes wasn't too difficult. We put on a special pair of socks that were her favorites (her feet were always cold!), and some jewelry that she really liked. Then we wrapped her up in some of her warmest cotton blankets and slept beside her until morning. Once morning came, we stayed by Mom's side a little longer, crying and praying, and just taking our time. After a few hours we decided we were ready, and some friends came and we lifted Mom's body into the pretty pine box. Lined with the pillows from Mom's bed, and several of her best and prettiest linens, we laid her inside and covered her with her favorite comforter. Being spring, the garden was in full bloom, so we selected an enormous array of wild yellow roses, wisteria, lilac, jasmine, lilies, and lavender. We also had red tulips, Mom's favorite flower, to place in the center. Over her heart we laid photos of her parents, children and grandchildren. Along the sides of her box we tucked in a dozen or so love letters that she had written and received over the years. A small paper box crafted by my daughter was filled with jellybeans and laid inside, just in case she might need them. Again, when we were ready, we called the mortuary, and they arrived with a van. They waited outside, and together the family carried Mom's casket out.

I know some people might think all of this is very strange, but I have to say it was one of the most profound and meaningful experiences of my life. No, I didn't say it was easy. But it meant the world to me to be able to participate in my mom's death in a way that was tangible and authentic. My mom was a giver - always giving 150% of herself to me and my brothers, and really anyone in need. She never hesitated to share anything she had, and sometimes that even got her into trouble. Anyway, I truly cherished her, treasured her, and wanted to treat her with the greatest amount of love, honor and respect that I could. I believe that a home funeral helps families do that--helps them be present with their loved ones in a deeply honest and profound way, and helps everyone involved to experience the passing with a great deal of heart. In that, I believe there is great healing for all.

This past weekend I attended a seminar given by Jerri Lyons, formerly of the Natural Death Care Project. Jerri now owns an organization called Home and Family Funerals, as well as a non-profit educational outfit called Final Passages. Jerri's calling is to teach people about home funerals, and to offer support and guidance for families in need. Someone had recommended me to her, knowing what I had recently been through. I was unsure about attending, since I am still emotionally so tender... I didn't know if I could be among people yet in that kind of setting. Anyway, while it was tough at times, I'm glad I went. More than anything, what I came away with was an even stronger sense that this idea needs to be shared. Now I am wary of advocating that home funerals are THE way, or the BEST way, as I don't feel it's my place to tell anyone how to do something so important. Nevertheless, I do believe that home and family funerals are a wonderful option, and more people should know about the possibility. For us, and for many others like us, it WAS the best way - I am completely happy that we did what we did. Nothing else would have felt so right, or brought us so much peace.

I know this model may not fit for everyone, but nevertheless I believe that the idea bears contemplation. With a home funeral you have complete choice with regard to just about everything. You can design and participate in it as much or as little as you like. You can do everything yourself, including filling out the death certificate, providing transportation to the cemetery or crematorium, building and/or painting your own casket, washing, dressing, etc., or you can pick and choose the parts of the process that mean the most, and hire outside people to do the rest. The point is that you DO have rights and choices, and most funeral homes won't really tell you that. Most of them will lead you to believe that you have very little say in how things are carried out, often insinuating or outright lying about laws and regulations. The truth is, in ALL states it is legal to do any and/or all of it yourself. Embalming is NOT required, and you CAN transport your loved one in your own vehicle without a permit, as long as you don't cross county lines. Home burial is the only really tricky part, but even that is possible, too, with a little creativity and some extra work. The final piece is that home funerals are much less expensive, probably about a quarter of what would be spent using a conventional funeral home approach. For those folks who have spent their lives trying to live more simply, this can be an important consideration. A lot of us would rather have a less costly funeral, and spend our money on something else. For our family, it freed us up to throw a beautiful party for Mom, and to pay for things that we otherwise couldn't have afforded.

If you want to learn more, I am happy to share with you some of the things that I have learned, or even to coach and support families who may be at or approaching this particular crossroads. You can contact me through the editorial staff at PlanetLightworker. Also, you can check out the website of the folks who sponsored the workshop I attended: www.finalpassages.org. They're great people and they have tons of information on the subject. I know they'll be happy to help.

© 2002 Kristen O'Connor

[Editor’s Note: Readers in the UK might be interested to know that there is an non-profit organization called LifeRites that specializes in providing secular or spiritual pastoral care and non-medical support to the terminally ill. LifeRites is dedicated to serving the needs of those individuals who hold no formal religious beliefs and all who seek to affirm their life and death in a personal and individual manner by providing practical advise and guidance on Rites of Passage and Life Celebrations. LifeRites also has a network of registered Celebrants and Officiants available to conduct and advise on Ceremonies where the individual does not wish to conduct these themselves.

LifeRites produces a quarterly magazine aimed at keeping subscribers informed of the group’s work and to provide a forum for comment and debate. They also produce a series of information booklets covering Rites of Passage and Life Celebrations, including Births, Namings, Puberty, Joinings, Menopause, Eldership, and Funerals, etc. for further information, contact the LifeRites Group, Gwndwn Mawr, Trelech, Carmarthenshire, SA33 6SA. Email: info@LifeRites.org, or check out their website at www.liferights.org.]

We invite you to share your experiences, opinions and questions on this article. Please visit the PLW Community and leave your comments.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kristen Sandor O'Connor is a freelance writer and middle school teacher from Sebastopol, California. She is the author of an historical fiction novel about the life of African-American aviator Bessie Coleman, and is currently working on the life story of hat designer Mago Hayes.