WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT I THINK ABOUT SEXUAL TANTRA, I reply, “I’m not sure what tantra is.” Indeed, though I’ve been studying, experiencing and writing about sacred sexuality for years, a mist still surrounds tantra itself. The many tantra books I’ve read all seem to have different bottom lines. Some experts advise the man to avoid orgasm while the woman can (or even should) have as many orgasms as possible. Others, the “cake-and-eat-it-too” teachers, insist that cosmic bliss is the goal and both partners can have conventional orgasm once they’ve blissed out. And a few “no-cakers” (almost always direct translations of Eastern works, rather than Western interpretations) say both partners should avoid conventional orgasm to clear the decks for a mystical experience of union that cannot be forced.

I’ve become a dedicated and enthusiastic “no caker”. I practice a different way of making love that heals addictions, keeps the heart open, slows the aging process and heightens spiritual awareness—and conventional orgasm is not part of it. It may or may not be tantra, but the rewards are great. In fact, the more I experience and study sacred sexuality, the more I suspect our relationships and spiritual growth would take a quantum leap if we learned to make love without orgasm. Here’s why:

Orgasm…a problem?
Have you ever transformed a cherished friendship into a sexual relationship—and then watched it crumple into a painful mess, and lost both your new lover and your close friendship? This scenario is so common that it’s almost axiomatic that we should avoid sex with anyone whose friendship we value.

So what is it about adding sex to our relationships that causes trouble? After years of detective work, I think I can answer that question. It’s the neurochemical changes that accompany orgasm—combined with the radical perception shifts they cause—that erode our relationships.

Let’s start with the good news. Close relationships are built on feelings of mutual comfort, safety and caring. At a neurochemical level hormones such as oxytocin, which promotes bonding, play a large role in such good feelings. I think of oxytocin as “the open heart hormone”. The emotions that accompany open-heartedness (appreciation, giving, caring, closeness) decrease our levels of “death hormone” (cortisol) and increase our levels of “anti-aging hormone” (DHEA). This hormonal cocktail strengthens our immunity to disease, regenerates, frees arteries of cholesterol and helps maintain ideal weight. Indeed, the rewards of closeness to another are so profound that they outweigh the benefits of exercise, stopping smoking and dietary improvements.

Now for the bad news: at a neurochemical level, the sensation of orgasm occurs primarily in the brain. It’s a massive release of dopamine (“the pleasure/reward” hormone). Overdoses of pleasure are not necessarily harmless. Indeed, orgasms and mood-altering drugs activate the same basic pathways in the brain. These dopamine highs, in both cases, are followed by lows—as our nerve cell receptors “down regulate” to defend against further excess and promote equilibrium. Mankind has made the connection between a drug or alcohol high and a hangover, but we seldom consciously make the connection between conventional orgasm and a hangover.

The Hidden Hangover
True, men often feel a letdown following ejaculation—and cope by rolling over and snoring. John Gray, PhD (Men are from Mars…) describes it as “a man’s need to go into his cave”. Sacred sex texts have long explained this need for recovery as a repercussion from the loss of semen. I believe the problem is subtler than a loss of expendable body fluids. It occurs at a neurochemical level, and it affects women, too. I have found, for example, that the fallout from orgasm may not hit me immediately, yet can undermine my sense of well-being for as long as two weeks.

The symptoms vary, of course. Yet there are certain patterns that can frequently be observed during the recovery period: fear that there won’t be enough, mood swings, a need for space, reckless spending, insensitivity, feeling drained/exhausted, emotional overreactions, and intense malaise/depression. We begin looking outside ourselves desperately for comfort.

We haven’t connected our post-orgasmic hangovers with sex because the symptoms look so different—and always appear to occur only in our partners. Also, most of us have orgasm frequently enough that we mistake (and defend) our symptoms as “part of who we are”. And when we aren’t sexually active, we’re often coping with the absence of the powerful benefits of intimacy. Indeed, while conventional orgasm is our goal, we’re truly “damned if we do, and damned if we don’t”.

No wonder the Buddhists advised celibacy to control the attachment and craving they correctly recognize as the root of all our unhappiness. Yet there is a way to avoid this cycle within relationship when we learn to make oxytocin rather than dopamine our primary “hormone of choice” during sex. Union with open hearts can lead to a profound sense of wholeness, but with conventional sex in the picture, our “honeymoons” end all too quickly. We never suspect there’s a middle path, “sacred sexuality” that lets us tap the powerful benefits of open-hearted intimacy without the unpleasant neurochemical repercussions from orgasmic pleasure jolts.

The Great Awakener: Relationship Disharmony
The worst aspect of this natural hangover is that when we feel “off” we look around for a cause. We project our distress onto the world. Indeed, if the metaphysicians are right, these recurring feelings actually shape our experience. Ever wonder where the scarcity programming, chronic dissatisfaction, and defensiveness that are cornerstones of our existence originate? Well…nearly everyone has sex, or was conditioned by folks plagued by these hangovers, or is suffering from the longing for wholeness that motivates intimate union in the first place.

Who is most closely associated in our subconscious mind with our hidden hangovers? Our lover. Over time, our self-induced defensiveness causes us to close our heart, and the resulting decrease in oxytocin weakens our most nourishing emotional bond. In fact, now that church and state have lost their power to keep us married, intimate relationships are proving as fragile as spider webs. In 40 years the divorce rate climbed from 15% to 50%, and now the percentage of people who never marry is rising rapidly. Given the profound benefits of caring intimacy, conventional sex may be an indulgence we can’t afford.

I used to grieve about the unnecessary destruction of relationships due to this nasty separation mechanism in our design. Now, however, I see it as the Divine at work; it is motivating us to rediscover the hidden spiritual potential that lies in our unions. And it makes sense that sacred sex may hold the key to humanity’s rapid spiritual awakening. Why? Because the drive toward conventional orgasm is our most powerful anchor to the material plane. It’s all about fertilization and reproduction—even though we may foil it with birth control or same sex relationships.

What’s So Great about Life without Orgasm?

• It’s loving. You never kill your desire, so a flirtatious, nourishing current flows between you all the time. And without the mysterious bouts of fatigue orgasm so often engenders, you have plenty of energy for pampering each other, making love more often, and achieving your life’s purpose. Instead of a recurring need for space, you’ll find your schedules begin to flow together—without negotiation.
  
  
• It’s surprisingly simple to learn if you take a slow enough approach with lots of affectionate intimacy. The key to outwitting biology is to focus on releasing a steady supply of heart-opening oxytocin (also known as “the cuddle hormone”). That makes the withdrawal from our addiction to dopamine rushes (orgasm) nearly painless. For example, rats addicted to heroin, that could administer it at will, decreased their heroin use radically when also injected with oxytocin. “Heart orgasms” are as delicious as “hot orgasms”, and relationships based on the former are less fragile and more joyful. Intention isn’t enough to learn this, however. It takes at least a month of “baby steps” to lay down a new neural response to sexual arousal.
  
  
• It’s good for your health. The ancient Taoists prescribed hours of non-ejaculatory sex in different positions as cures for various diseases. Intimacy without the neurochemical roller coaster ride of orgasm promotes equilibrium—allowing your body to function optimally. For example, when conventional orgasm was my goal I suffered chronic yeast and urinary tract infections, but during the ten years since then those problems have disappeared.
  
  
• It’s effortless. All performance woes disappear (“Did she come? How many times?” “Is he worried about impotence? What should I do?”), as do sexual fetishes. Without the goal of orgasm a relaxed harmony replaces all such anxiety. My lover (who went from an average of four orgasms per week to zero as soon as we got together) was amazed to discover that after only three days of affectionate contact (without the goal of orgasm) his body chemistry had already begun to shift. He no longer felt a burning desire to come. Yet, over a year later, his libido has not decreased and we make love frequently. We also laugh more…and “process” less.
  
  
• It’s a powerful antidote to all addictions. One of the chief perils of pleasure bursts of excess dopamine is that the subsequent hangovers demand relief. Usually we reach for a drink, some smoke, a pill or another orgasm. This ensures another hangover, causing our body to down regulate again. Bingo—addiction. When, instead, we base our sense of well-being on non-addictive oxytocin, we reverse that downward spiral. I have watched people with severe addictions (alcohol, Prozac, smoking) drop them in a matter of months once they started making love this way.
  
  
• It’s an adventure. After sex, have you ever wondered, “Is that all there is?” With this other approach to lovemaking there’s a sense that new discoveries await. Not only have my lover and I discovered the existence of “heart orgasms”, we’ve begun to see bright flashes in our third eyes. We have no doubt there is far more to discover. Yet the present is so delicious that we’re very much in the moment as well.

So what makes orgasmless sex “sacred”?
Nothing. According to various Eastern religions, esoteric texts, the Gnostic gospels, and even the New Testament, our innate divinity is beyond debate. We are sacred. All we need do is remove the barriers to our full awareness of that truth to live it.

Open-hearted sex—without the neurochemical swings of conventional orgasm—increases our desire for deep union…with each other, mankind and the Divine. This heals our false sense of separation right where it began.

Some esoteric sources claim that our blind biological fertilization mechanism, with its hidden hangover, was the means we chose to keep our vast, three-dimensional illusion in place for as long as we wished to dabble in “animalhood”. Certainly it has allowed us to believe we are slightly pathetic, very separate, strictly physical creatures, dependent upon procreation for existence. In actuality it turns out we’re limitless spirit beings, splashing around in matter for the sheer adventure of it.

Life, Liberation & the Pursuit of Oneness
The ultimate goal of sacred sexuality is to escape this biological snare that holds us prisoners of artificially lowered consciousness recycling each other indefinitely. Various ancient texts insist that an awakening a deux is even more convincing than the glimpses of Reality one can achieve through celibate meditation. So if you enjoy intimacy, and have tired of the current impasse in relationships, why not give this approach a try for a month? It costs nothing, and at most you pass up a few orgasms.

© 2002 Liz Estrata

Artwork courtesy of and copyright by Daniel B. Holeman, who invites you to visit his Visionary Art Gallery web site - Awaken Visions.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Liz Estrata is the author of PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS: Sexual Relationships that Heal, which contains a simple, step-by-step program for couples who wish to outwit biology. It is available for $14.95 through www.amazon.com or (in half the time) www.booklocker.com. To find out more about Liz and her work, check out her website at http://www.reuniting.info/