THROUGHOUT MY LIFE I ALWAYS FELT AN UNDERLYING UNEASINESS. I suspect it's what other human beings may feel everyday that causes them to seek relief, strive for the eluded happiness, check out with TV, alcohol or busyness. For me, it was a constant angst, although deeply hidden to most everyone I knew, including myself. To the outside world, I was successful, "together", attractive and evolved. But, IT was always there. Kind of like an "itch" that couldn't quite be scratched.

I believe this "uneasiness" was the hidden force that caused me to always be searching for that something to make me feel loved, whole and complete.

I worked hard in my career, thinking IT would come with achievement or financial success. I looked for IT in relationships, but no matter how wonderful the relationship was, I still felt uneasy inside. I thought I just hadn't found the right career path, or the right relationship yet. So, I kept looking.

I searched for answers everywhere, determined to find IT. I read literally hundreds of books on self-improvement or anything that could expand my knowledge of business, finance, health, relationships or spirituality. I listened to dozens of audio programs, investing 10's of thousands in attending workshops and seminars. I was a personal growth junkie. I found myself reading and re-reading the same concepts by different authors, with a slightly different slant. I had a solid understanding of nearly ALL the most popular teachings by the best in the industry. But, my understanding was primarily "intellectual". It logically made sense, but I didn't really feel IT "inside". I had internal "aha" experiences, but there was always a piece of the puzzle missing. I still didn't know what was at the root of IT.

Then I met Bruce…my Spiritual Ally. He's not what I think of as a traditional Spiritual Teacher. Our relationship was anything but "typical". But, somehow in the beginning, I knew I was just supposed to love him unconditionally. No matter what. I trusted him. He was also very busy and only available sporadically, so our time together was limited. I didn't realize how perfect this combination would be.

Throughout the year, I kept wanting more than what he gave me. More time. More attention. More acknowledgment. More external validation of his love for me. I wanted him to open up more to me. I felt very connected to his spirit, but once again that nagging feeling inside emerged. That "itch" wanted to be scratched.

But, this time I sensed if I just "stayed the course" I would find what I'd always been searching for.

My Spiritual Ally offered two key lessons which became critical elements in discovering IT for myself.

"You're NOT listening…". At first I thought this was clearly NOT an accurate assessment. I finally realized he was right. I was "hearing" his words, but NOT ACCEPTING them as true. Not BELIEVING him. Apparently I was doing this in other areas of my life as well.

The second key was realizing that I was "making stuff up". At first, I didn't understand what he meant by this. Like most wise teachers, he didn't offer much explanation. He simply stated, "That's not true. You're making stuff up". The stuff I "made up" most was about "not being loved" and "not being important". When I felt "disconnected", these lies consumed me. Yet, they felt so real. But, the reality was his feelings never changed. He loved me. It was only my belief about IT that temporarily changed.

Our relationship grew and I began to accept Bruce more and more unconditionally. I listened more intently, and paid attention to this notion of "making stuff up". However, with the closeness came more challenges. I desperately wanted him to behave, respond, act in a certain way, so that I could feel good about myself. But, that was NOT his job. It's mine. Until I could feel good about me at the deepest level, there would always be an "itch" that HE couldn't scratch. I needed to scratch the "itch" myself.

I now know the resistance and struggle I felt was coming from inside of me, as I was getting closer to the source of the "problem". "It" was me. And, my mind wasn't interested in accepting that "it" was the problem. "It" didn’t want to accept the truth, and "it" was constantly "making stuff up".

Over two particularly challenging months, it seemed that EVERY interaction I had with Bruce, I found myself in tears…or "breakdown". Over small things, and HUGE things. The "grand finale" breakdown affected me deeply. I cancelled two full days of appointments to be with myself in the deepest sense of pain and sadness that I'd ever experienced. Within the misery, I became determined to get to the bottom of IT this time.

Throughout this period, I was certain that Bruce was the source of my pain and anguish. Many of my friends colluded with me on this notion too. And yet, HE wasn't taking responsibility for ANY of it. That only left ONE person to own up to IT, if I was going to find freedom. And, so I did.

Ultimately I learned that none of IT was about Bruce. IT was never about Bruce. IT was ALL about me. IT had been about me my entire life. IT was my insecurity. My expectations about how "life" and Bruce SHOULD be. My feelings of not being enough. My fears of what others thought. My burning desire to prove myself. My fears of not being loved. It was a disconnection from the purest part of myself.

I had to stop focusing on changing him. I began to focus on the real source of the problem, which was ME. Everything I wanted from him, I needed to give to myself. I started to listen and questioned the "thoughts" I'd been making up. When I discovered just how "made up" they were… the thoughts and anguish disappeared. And, all that was left… was me. I finally found IT.

IT is an overwhelming feeling of love, joy, peace and freedom. And, it's always inside of me. I can tap into this beautiful reality anytime I choose.

I no longer need to search for IT or demand IT from the outside world. I now realize no one can give IT to me anyway. ONLY I can give IT to me. IT was inside me all along, as it always will be. I find myself living in states of unbelievable peace, love and joy. An emotional freedom that I had read about in books, but never quite comprehended. What used to be sporadic periods of fulfillment and joy, is now a near constant flow of energy, clarity, creativity, love and inspiration. I dare say, I understand what spiritual teachers describe as "enlightenment". Not just in my head, but in my heart and soul. A truly liberating state to live from.

On occasion, I temporarily forget IT and get caught up in the "itch" that wants to be scratched. Only now, I know where to find IT again. All the love, joy, peace and freedom I desire are inside of me. And, IT is inside of you too.

Copyright © 2002 – 2005. Mary Allen, CPCC, PCC.