How Can We Bring Magic Into Our Relationship?

That's a really good question, for so many relationships, although stable and loving, are, well, on the flat side. What began as an exciting and stimulating life together somehow became predictable and "normal." It is difficult if not impossible to reinvent a long term relationship to be like it was at the beginning. After all, dressing up like Little Bo Peep and Tarzan only works to a point; after that it is the same old... same old. What to do? What to do?

We found that the last daily practice of the SCIENCE of Relationships holds the key: Enthusiasm! For a small child, perhaps children of all ages, the circus has a magical appeal whether it is the traditional Ringling Brothers three-ringer or the sophistication of today's Cirque de Soleil's elaborate and fantastical shows. When we thought about what makes any circus magical, we concluded that enthusiasm is the key, not only of the performers but more importantly the audience. Although not as serious as Commitment and Nurturing, Enthusiasm nonetheless has its role in a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. How does this work? Let's explore this magical and rewarding practice.

Hu-mans and hu-womans appreciate stability and predictability, and that is most understandable. Who wants to drive home and find the house has been moved several blocks, repainted, or turned around backwards? On the other hand, peoplekind also likes change as long as the change is not viewed as threatening. When we don't have change, we cease to be mentally stimulated and the little gray cells begin going into retirement. "Wake me when something different happens."

A lot of us look to the media to stimulate us; that's OK, and there can be more to life than watching the same commercial for the hundredth time or "knowing" how the plot of the sitcom or the movie of the week is going to unfold before it happens. It is tough to find major variations in the few basic plots that are turned over and over.

How about unlimited, free stimulation? That would be you and your partner. Here's how...

To start, here is our definition which you are welcome to use and we once again invite you to create your own if ours does not fit.

Enthusiasm:
The elevation of the "tone" of the relationship
to experience joy, the unexpected, and good old-fashioned fun.

Undoubtedly, it is the enthusiasm in our relationship that has carried us through (sometimes on waves of laughter) some tough situations mentally, emotionally, and physically. Often, it seems nigh onto impossible to generate enthusiasm when what we think we really want is to be down in the abyss wallowing in whatever appears not to be working in the moment.

We've found that there is one action that, when taken, will invariably turn on the enthusiasm tap: humor (or as our British friends like to spell it, humour - what good does that extra 'u' do anyway?). When the humor in a situation can be found the tension and anxiety can be defused almost immediately! Mark Twain said, "Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place." Here's just one of the many situations where we found humor to be our salvation. We remain convinced that nothing else would have worked...

We've all been there... you buy a house or move into a new apartment and it's just 'not quite right' so you decide to renovate. Now, our house is fairly old and had been added onto rather haphazardly as it morphed from a small vacation cabin to its current state. Today, it is a comfortable home that easily accommodates our merged households. This transformation did not come easily... several projects were taken on and were relatively successful... and then we decided to remodel the kitchen and sunroom.

If you ever want to find the limits of your relationship, skip having an affair and remodel your kitchen!

After much planning and discussion, the contractor's estimate from start to finish was two - three weeks if we vacated the house. So, we decided to go on a road trip, do some camping, and generally explore the Four Corners area of the southwest US.

Returning home three weeks later, we were greeted with a hole in the front of our house (which had been cut to allow a Bobcat to enter... don't ask!), no walls or flooring in one-third of the house, and furniture piled head-high in our living room/office area that was covered with construction debris... and a number of little 'rodent friends' permitted entry when the front of the house was removed! All that remained inhabitable was our bedroom and (thank goodness) a bathroom. For the next three months we lived in our bedroom, cooked outside (later, in the bathroom) on a propane camp stove... and stood on our heads to wash the dishes in the whirlpool bathtub - all while our contractor was telling us about how terrible his life was! This was during late fall and early winter.

Oh, and did we mention that we live in the desert on a small river that never floods? Guess what? There were two floods during this time! Although neither one reached the house's foundation, there were some terrifyingly exciting moments. On both occasions, as well as a third flood after the remodeling was more or less complete, Cindy was away on business, so Ron told her she could never leave again lest we have another flood. That must have been funny, for she laughed.

Frederick Nietzsche wrote, "That which does not destroy us must make us stronger." We came out of this experience able to leap cowering contractors with a single bound. We were able to survive because we learned to laugh about our situation. We did not wear lampshades on our heads or Groucho Marx glasses and noses. Whenever we really got down, one of us would dryly quip something like wondering if our contractor's wife would mind if we came to her house and did laundry. Deliveries of materials, especially for the kitchen, were late, cancelled, incorrect when delivered, and generally the antithesis of Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Each time our cabinet company was to deliver or fix whatever had already been delivered, we would joke about what would be fouled up this time. We got pretty good at our predictions.

The point is that there is humor to be found in virtually any situation. We are told that we all chose to be on the Earth and that this life is really a game about which we will have many laughs after we finish as it seems that humor is one of the few emotions we share with the "other side." Our (Cindy and Ron) philosophy is get a head start on the guffaws before we crossover.

One of our favorite expressions is attributed to be Abraham Lincoln's favorite saying: "This too shall pass."

We also like our variation of St Francis of Assisi's Prayer of Serenity:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
and find the humor in them,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The combination of Lincoln, St Francis, and Nietzsche may seem a bit odd (maybe even funny?), but we think that combining all three quotes provides a powerful formula: There is humor in everything... finding it is a great survival skill.

One last thought about humor before getting back to enthusiasm... we most emphatically do not recommend using humor to belittle or hurt someone. While most humor is based in someone's falling short in some fashion, their shortfalls do not need to be pointed out to them. Chances are they already have enough self-esteem problems! We also do not mean to make light of tragedies or disasters with the purpose of minimizing them. There are approaches to humor at these times that can be funny without making fun of anyone's plight.

"The floods in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina are a boon to the local Chamber of Commerce which now proudly proclaims the city to be the Venice of America!"

If enthusiasm is hard to come by, use a little humor. There is something about laughter whether the "something" is glandular or psychological that lifts the spirit and opens the eyes a bit wider. Enthusiasm will put magic into your relationship. It is free, always available and actually easy to create. Here are a few pointers that should help...

• Practice enthusiasm by creating enthusiasm for the most mundane tasks (taking out the trash, washing dishes and so on).
• When your partner is feeling down, don't badger or bully them about being enthusiastic; instead, be enthusiastic yourself as you empathize with them.
• Enthusiasm is contagious; be a carrier.
• With practice you can be enthusiastic about virtually anything.
• Remember that humor is great to initiate enthusiasm but don't use humor inappropriately; humor should never be cruel or demeaning - humor should be funny to everyone who is involved.
• Pet names and roles are also good devices to promote enthusiasm. Ron calls Cindy his "mostest onliest" and the term almost always gets a smile from her.
• When tough times come around, pick some small aspect of whatever is happening and make it funny. Enthusiasm will not be far behind. When we were doing dishes during the infamous remodeling we joked about doing the dishes in the tub while taking a bath because it would save time and water!

The bottom line...
If you want to experience magic consider the seventh daily practice, Enthusiasm. Think of it as a spice to your relationship and your life. Everything goes better with enthusiasm, not Coke. Humor provides access to enthusiasm and makes it possible in not-so-great times.

Enthusiasm is the second "e" and last letter in SCIENCE, thus concluding this series. In the immortal words of the philosopher Elmer Fudd, "B-uh-b-uh-b-uh-b-uh... that's all folks!" The mysteries (or at least several of them) of the SCIENCE of Relationships are revealed. It is our fervent wish that you use this information to find love - in the right places... and that you are successful! Blessings to you.

We invite comments and suggestions.

Ron & Cindy
Email Ron at ron@ronmccray.com
Email Cindy at cindy@ronmccray.com

To read prior articles in this series, please go to: www.ronmccray.com/writings.htm#LFL.

© 2005 The COLINY Foundation