WHEN MAKING AN important decision, couples consider a variety of criteria. Will we regret this later? How much money will it cost us? Will we get anything back? Will it be worth our time and effort? Will this commit us to anything else? Will it affect our lifestyle? Will we win or lose? Will we look good? What will we have to give up? What impact will this have on our time? How badly do we want to do this? Will this be something that will bring pleasure? Will we get any recognition?

Couples whose main purpose in being a couple is to help and support each other in growing spiritually often ask a different question than those posed above. When faced with a dilemma and unsure about what to do, they find it useful to ask, “What would love do now?”

There is no question more important to the spiritual development of you and your partner than “What would love do now?” If your reason for being together is to accumulate a healthy retirement portfolio, climb the corporate ladder, build fame and recognition, or hold on to what you have, then this question need not be part of your Couple Talk. If, on the other hand, Spirit is your goal, the most meaningful, relevant, helpful question you can ask in any situation is, “What would love do now?”

Barb and Lenny struggled with what to do with their delinquent teenage son. He disobeyed family rules. He came home whenever he felt like it, smoked dope in the house, and spoke disrespectfully to his mother. Barb and Lenny had recently been to a series of Tough Love meetings and were seriously considering barring their son from their home.

Brenda’s aged mother had been living with Brenda and her husband, Richard, for six years. A recent downturn in the elderly woman’s health had the pair considering a nursing home for their valued and beloved family member.

In each case it was the husband who verbalized the Couple Talk question, “What would love do now?” Both couples had used the question to make decisions in the past. They were more than familiar with the spiritual criteria at the center of this question. Loving, growing in spirit, and living from that essence had become the central focus of their coming together, living together, and staying together.

After asking themselves, “What would love do now?” Brenda and Richard decided against a retirement home for Brenda’s mother. They sold their timeshare vacation properties, put their retirement plans on hold, and hired a live-in nurse to handle evenings.

Brenda and Richard did not make this decision out of a sense of obligation. They did not do it because it was the “right” thing to do. They did not base it on what people at their church might think. They decided that love would welcome the opportunity for mutual growth and fulfillment that this situation provided. They loved themselves and each other enough to take this opportunity to give and thus receive more love.

After considering “What would love do now?” Barb and Lenny evicted their son from their home. They concluded that loving their son did not mean letting him do whatever he wished. They determined that the best way they could demonstrate their love would be to draw boundaries, make those boundaries clear, and then hold to them. Loving their son meant they would hold him accountable for the choices he made and give him an opportunity to learn about cause and effect. Loving themselves meant they would not allow themselves to be walked on or permit their boundaries to be violated without immediate consequences being implemented.

“What would love do now?” does not have to be used exclusively for heavy-duty issues like tough love and nursing home decisions. It can be used to determine how you and your partner budget your money, choose who to invite to a party, or decide whether or not your daughter goes to summer camp. You can use it to help decide if you should join a church committee, take dance lessons together, or give this book to a friend.

Other ways to ask, “What would love do now?” include:

• “What would Christ do in this situation?”
• “How would the Buddha handle this?”
• “How do you think Muhammad would respond to this?”
• “What reaction would the Dali Lama have?”

Look for an opportunity to use “What would love do now?” during the next week. Find a situation and play with it, using one of these questions. Try it on for size. See if it fits. Later, debrief. Determine whether or not this Couple Talk skill can serve you in the future.

HEARING
If your partner asks, “What would love do now?” he or she is suggesting that you put spirituality into the equation of deciding how to handle the situation before you. He or she is saying that helping each other grow spiritually is a primary purpose of your relationship as they see it. They are inviting you to participate in the adventure of living a relationship that places spiritual growth first.

© Chick Moorman & Thomas Haller, 2005