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by Ron McCray

The answer is nothing or everything depending on your perspective. With all respect to Ms. Tina Turner, love is not a secondhand emotion. What then is it, really? Before taking on the seemingly daunting task of defining love, let's look at some of the applications, or misapplications, of the word "love."

I love my partner.
I love my son.
I love my old worn-out jeans.
I love my dogs.
I love chocolate ice cream or almost anything that has chocolate in it.
I love my sister.
I love the Cayman Islands.
I love flannel sheets.
I love a hot bath or shower depending on the time available.
I love a good book.
I love a scary movie.
I love my old 1985 Honda Prelude.
I love taking naps.

Get the picture?

So what do all of these "loves" have in common? Not much is my answer. There are many emotions and attachments balled up in these statements. Affection, caring, sensuality, sexuality, sentimentality, tactile sensation, visual sensation, pleasure, comfort, and even being scared a bit are just a few. So, my question is then how can all of these emotions, attachments, and then some be the definition of love? Obviously, they cannot; thus, we are left with a dilemma. Do we create a huge categorization of love such that there are hundreds or thousands of subcategories of love? And are we required to define our actual meaning of "love" with qualifiers each time we use the word such that the listener or reader explicitly knows which flavor of love is referenced? Or do we seek a universal, basically simplistic definition of love that perforce applies to every conceivable use of the word and is also accurate?

Although I admit to an obvious bias, in the sense of fairness let us look at choice number one. Let me see, "I have affectionate, visually pleasing, caring, sentimental, protective love for my dogs." It is a bit bulky but descriptive. My point is that by the time I list all of the adjectives that subcategorize my canine qualified love, the word love itself has become essentially worthless. To reprise Ms. Turner, "What's love go to do with it?" Not much, I say, in this context.

Words and language are of little use to us if we do not have a common understanding of the use of words. This is why dictionaries have been around for some time. When one lover says to another, "I love you," what does she or he mean? Is the reference to qualities of character, to the ability to incite lust, to a bank account, to physical characteristics, to affection, to duty, or what? I have said that expression countless times and heard it said to me more countless times, and at this point, I really have little idea of what I meant or what someone else meant. I submit that the word has so many meanings that, as used in the common vernacular, it is basically useless because of its inability to clearly express the intention of the person who speaks or writes it.

What then of choice number two, some universal, truly applicable definition of the word? Is it possible? If we turn to the domains of spiritual psychology and shamanism, there is a consistent use of the word available to whoever chooses to use it. In this context, love means to unconditionally accept some one or some thing without the intention of changing he, she, or it. What an incredible world we would create if we simply accepted everyone and everything! What greater honor or gift of the soul can we give another human than to simply say "I love you," and by that, mean, "I completely accept you just as you are. I do not want to change anything about you. You are a child of God just as you stand there with mustard on your nose wearing that ridiculous shirt that you refuse to give away."

Please pause for a moment and think what an impact hearing that expression with the intent of complete acceptance would have on you. I know that when someone who embraces this use of the word tells me that he or she loves me, it gives me shivers. What so many of us want so badly is to simply be accepted by others as we are. We expend so much of our energy in vain attempts to prove our worth to others or to hide our self-assessed conclusion that we are not as worthy as everyone else is. When another human simply communicates that we are all right just as we are, it opens incredible opportunities for us to go way beyond where we dwelled in the past. Unconditional acceptance is the gateway to expand life to embrace that for which we yearn and that seems always out of reach.

The really great thing about this definition of unconditional acceptance is that when you consciously and sincerely use "love" in this way, the other person does not have to know your definition. He or she will sense at a non-verbal level that you truly are accepting. If you really do accept him or her unconditionally, then you will communicate that acceptance. Social scientists tell us that only a very small percentage of what we project when we speak comes from the words that we use. The vast majority of what we say is interpreted in terms of our voice inflection and body language. Unfortunately, the converse is true as well. When someone is insincere, "faking it until you make it," does not work. You know when someone is not expressing his or her truth, don't you? Trying to fake it simply does not work.

Look at why. The definition of love given earlier "…love means to unconditionally accept some one or some thing without the intention of changing he, she, or it…" really has two parts: the unconditional acceptance part and the no intent to change part. The first one speaks for itself at this point. The second, however, is a bit subtler in its misuse. I think of it as the, " I love you (but)…" syndrome. The "but" is usually unsaid, and yet, gets clearly communicated. We humans are notorious for our ability to change and manipulate our environment. It's how we moved from trees to skyscrapers. Once we began to "conquer" the physical world, we decided that it would be great to change and manipulate our fellow humans. Love was the perfect vehicle. "I will love you IF you are a good little boy or girl. I will love you IF you change the way you look. I will love you IF you stop picking your nose." In order to gain this elusive thing called love (whatever we have made it up to be at the time), we are good, we change our looks, and stop picking our noses (at least where someone can see us).

The moment when someone communicates to us that we are loved with complete acceptance, that we are just fine the way we are, and that he or she is not going to try to remake us, then enormous freedom results. We can truly begin to unmask the fledgling true self that, for so many years, ran for cover when it learned that unconditional love really comes with conditions, and, as the years go by, the conditions certainly do not become fewer. What a gift we can give by simply letting people be who they are at heart. The other great thing that happens is the lover and loved connect at a level that is otherwise impossible to achieve. How much stronger can a relationship be than to be based on complete acceptance of one another with no hidden agenda to change the other person? How many brides and grooms have secretly had the intention to "just fine tune the spouse a little bit" once the wedding is over? How many times has a heavy-handed parent pounded a small child and said, "I am only doing this because I love you!" No wonder there is so much adult physical abuse going on… it's how you show "love."

If you like this idea of love being unconditional acceptance without intent to change, what can you do? Well, first admit to yourself that you have been a conditional giver and receiver of love. Next, forgive yourself for judging yourself howsoever you did as a result of realizing that you practiced conditional love for all of those years. It's okay. Everyone does it. It's how we are trained. Last, begin practicing unconditional acceptance. Start small. Pick something you don't like about yourself. For me, it's my nose. Start unconditionally accepting a part of you that you don't like. You don't have to have a reason. Simply accept it. Move on to tougher and tougher subjects until you build the muscle. If you have a spouse, significant other, troublesome sibling, or difficult parent, wait until you have built some confidence before expressing unconditional acceptance for them. Besides, they may not be able to take the shock without some gradual warm-up!

The keys to the effective use of "love" as unconditional acceptance without intent to change are sincerity and consciousness. Know what you intend to communicate and mean it. It is that simple. Give up trying to change others. By now you should realize that it doesn't work in the long haul. Oh sure, we can cause temporary changes through force or manipulation (take prisons as an example). As soon as the object of our control is freed from the force or manipulation, he or she reverts to former behaviors. We each have our path and roles that we designed for ourselves. Let us give the freedom and support to others to follow their own way by genuinely "loving" them.

As you move to expressing love for other humans, notice how relationships shift as you begin to see the person who is truly in front of you as opposed to who you wished this person to be. You will find magnificent souls standing before you who used to be less than perfect and in need of your "fine tuning." Good luck in your endeavors.

I love you.

Ron McCray or Venare (sacred name) blends traditional Inca shamanism and spiritual psychology to awaken people to their own Divinity and to connect them with that for which they yearn. He conducts life mastery coaching and seminars, writes books and articles, and performs healing ceremonies. He is formally trained in spiritual psychology and is an initiated shaman in the Inca tradition. His work revolves around the model that knowledge leads to experience which leads to understanding which leads to transformation. A former executive, his life was dramatically transformed from management to practicing NeoShamanism. For further information please visit his website (www.neoshaman.net) or e-mail venare@neoshaman.net.