On Children, Violence and Physical Dynamics

An Indigo's Perspective

By Trevor Jackson

 

There is a reason that professional wrestling is so popular these days. It is one of the few socially acceptable dynamic physical outlets that children can enjoy with parental permission. Professional wrestling is as close to violence as parents and politicians feel comfortable allowing their children to walk. Of course, we all know that these professional wrestlers are really actors, but more importantly, they were children once too, children who found a constructive outlet for their physical energies in the vehicle of choreographed destruction and violence, as adults.

The primary reason why children seem to be lashing out more these days is nestled in issues of acceptance and support, and involves both parent and child. Children are not given outlets for their energies; that is, children are not given outlets for their dynamic energies; outlets that they can utilize, outlets that are supported, outlets that are expansive. Too much structure in our mundane lives shares some blame for this, and fear and insecurity share blame for the rigidity and structure. The pressures that children feel to perform and succeed nowadays are decimating. These pressures are wiping us out spiritually. Children have their creativity and their desire to learn squelched by a system that purports to cultivate these attributes.

However, the more profound acknowledgement is that, whereas in the past kids were allowed to levy some type of balance by performing in extracurricular activities such as sports, these activities no longer serve as balances. Athletic programs are becoming as insidious as the academic programs. For the most part, both academics and athletics, in practice, are factory lines assembling automatons and enticing them with empty promises of happiness, prosperity and recognition. Children are not as jaded as they used to be. The athletic fields are as steeped with competition as the classrooms. Pressure follows them from desktop to blacktop, and the children are aware of this. The children do not want to be a part of this system. And very simply, the children will not be a part of the system.

Children are lashing out, but I believe that society is rapidly approaching a place from where positive action can be taken, or there would not be such awareness and vigilance regarding the issue of children and violence. Obviously, quality of life, from technological and vocational perspectives, has become better. There are simply more opportunities than there used to be. However, the psyches of children and adults alike are cocooning, and the pressures that accompany these technological advances are only superficially culpable. The real reason being, of course, fear of inadequacy and our fear of rejection.

The children, as children have been so many times in the past and will continue to be, are "systems busters". The children are catalysts sent to initiate the requisition of ourselves from ourselves. Indeed, the battle of all ages is the war between the base and the exalted inside of us.

"One of the more visible interfaces is violence."

It follows that children are rebelling, and one of the most efficient ways to rebel is to employ violence. Yes, there is a new pedigree of children, but there are many people still of the "old energy". In order for an interaction to happen between the two there must be an interface, and one of the more visible interfaces is violence. Violence has been prevalent as a mechanism of change since the beginning of time. And so yes, we perceive violence everywhere around us. It is one of the few things that command our numbed attentiveness.

Violence is fear cast through the prism of an action. Moreover, there must be an observer, casting that fear through the prism and observing the spectrum that cascades across the screen of a child's face. Children rebel because in this 21st Century world of increasing possibility, they feel like they have fewer options than they did yesterday. Fear is inveterate, and yet readily accessible in almost all of us, and fear takes away options.

In this world of heightened competition in all spheres, fear of failure rears its head and gets its strength. People feel trapped in the educational paradigm, trapped in their vocation, trapped in their league, and all of these systems are meritocracies; systems that sustain themselves through external rewards. Most of us feel that we do these things because we have little choice to do otherwise. We don't believe that society will support us in creative endeavors that may differ from the norms, and for the most part, society does not encourage action by the individual in this way. Verily, freedom is a state of mind, but choice facilitates that state of mind. In other words, the more choices that one is aware of, the easier it is for that individual to embrace or even entertain the notion that freedom is but a perspective. It is hard to find spirituality when your stomach is growling.

"Give children the tools and introduce them to the methods that will enable them to make sound decisions."

The best thing that a parent can do for his/her child is to make the child aware of his/her choices and to give that child unconditional support in whatever it is that the child chooses to pursue. Moreover, parents should encourage children to make decisions for themselves. It is not helpful for a parent to give a child choices, and then, after the choice has been made by the child, disapprove of the child's decision. Likewise, it is not helpful to influence a child's decision-making process by dissuading him/her from certain choices or by interfering in the child 's decision-making processes. However, what a parent should do is share his/her decision-making processes with the child. Explain the factors weighed in coming to your decision to order a veggie-burger and not a hamburger. Give children the tools and introduce them to the methods that will enable them to make sound decisions. Equally as important is to give them the fortitude to see their choices through, after they have considered and weighed the consequences necessary for them to make the best decision.

The role of the parent is a glorious and challenging role. Parents need to be secure enough in themselves to allow their children the experiences that their children choose. A great many adults have an unhealthy tendency to try to live vicariously through their children, so naturally, when a child misbehaves or fails in certain endeavors, as a parent, the adult feels that it is a reflection on his/her person.

"If a parent encourages a child to make a mistake,
they will learn how to do it gracefully,
and it will not be seen as a mistake any more, but a choice."

Parents generally feel that the choices and the actions of their children are testament to their own ability to parent. This is only true to a degree. Children will choose other role models besides their parents. The parent-child relationship is not a closed system. Parents are aware of this, and they fear for their child's well being. As a result, parents often make decisions for their children. But how can a child understand the consequences of making an autonomous decision when they are not given the opportunity to make autonomous decisions? If a parent can cultivate the ability to have compassion for his child, and yet be able to detach from the outcome, a parent will have a less stressful and more enjoyable time raising a child. Parents should allow their children to make mistakes. In fact, parents should encourage their children to make mistakes, and use extreme moderation when scolding them for their error. Rather, teach them how to learn from their mistakes. If a parent encourages a child to make a mistake, they will learn how to do it gracefully, and it will not be seen as a mistake any more, but a choice. It will come to be seen as a choice that leads to knowledge, which leads to another choice, and their will be no shame or feeling of inadequacy only the wisdom accrued along the journey.

Elucidate the process of cause and effect in specific instances for your child, i.e. when a boy steals something from a store; explain to him the consequences of his actions. Of course there are various acceptable explanations depending on a child's age. For example, you would not explain the laws of economics and how they pertain to theft in business to a six-year-old, at least not in academic terminology. However, you may explain that if enough people steal from a store, the store will close down and then there won't be any more toys to buy, steal, or play with. It is important to show, in accessible concepts, how "delinquent" behaviors committed by a child might impact that child if he/she was in a similar situation. Moreover, try to do it with as little judgement as possible. Let the child choose differently, rather than make the child choose differently, for when you make a child do something, you set up a dynamic of opposition. Opposition is perceived as a wall, and a wall is one path less that cannot be taken by that child. This sets the stage for rebellion. If a child perceives enough walls, a child will turn to violence. A child must be allowed to choose differently. Give him/her the information he/she needs to see the nature of cause and effect on this planet. Make the situation personal to them, so that they are compelled to decide what their feelings are about what has happened.

"What if a child turns to violence, in spite of your efforts?"

Well, we all have different things to experience and learn. Although a parent may think that he knows the path that a child should take, he does not. He may know his son well enough to have a vague notion of the direction in which a child might like to proceed, and there is nothing wrong with gentle suggestion. However, some people need to experience things that others do not, and that not even they themselves can always foresee. This is an obvious doctrine for many in the spiritual community, but this is one of those truths that people believe applies to everyone else but himself or herself. When a child does something harmful or illegal, rather than take away options, provide more. They must be allowed to choose as much and as often as possible. If you fear they lack the tools to understand the consequences, it is your job as a parent to - as non-partisan as possible - show them the possibilities. If that entails taking them to the juvenile detention facility, or a courtroom, or a hospital, or a cemetery, do so. I am not talking about using scare tactics. If a person is drunk driving, the chances are some given percentage that he/she will have an accident, and accidents lead to deaths, and prison sentences. Show them the statistics. You don't need to beat it into them. Let them draw their own conclusions. Let them make their own decisions about how they want to live their lives, because if you don't think they will anyway, then you are mistaken. And if by some chance, in some hyperbolic existence, a child heeded your every word until they were fully-fledged adults, what would they have learned?

"Children need to be shown and told how to find out what it is that they want"

Furthermore, not only should one show one's child the consequences of "bad" behavior; one should also show them the consequences of "good" behavior - in as unbiased way as possible. Show them the homeless shelter and the food line to which they just recently made a donation. Take them to the park a few blocks away that was recently cleaned up in the neighborhood clean up. Let them feel how they want to feel about it - inspiration or mediocrity. One of the hardest things, I believe, for people these days to do is figure out what they want. We are inundated with the media, peers, etc. telling us what we should choose, what we should want. Children need to be shown and told how to find out what it is that they want, based on rational and emotional criteria. Most importantly, they need to feel supported in whatever decision they make.

Children will indulge violence; they can have no concept of it unless they brush upon it. I personally used to catch bees in jars and burn them dead in the summer sun with a magnifying glass. There were a number of fruit trees at a park near my house growing up as a child. I would take drop fruit and throw it over the cliffs marking the park's edge at buses meandering up the street below.

Children will beget mischief. Children will get into fights. The best thing a parent can do is to get a child involved in activities into which they can channel these aggressions. Once again, give them a menu of choices to choose from. If you have a child that likes to punch other kids, take her to a boxing ring. Lace up the gloves and turn her loose against one of the better students. Let her experience what it feels like to get punched, but do it in a constructive and supporting environment. This way, if she enjoys it, you give her the opportunity to learn the discipline and the restraint that comes along with pugilism. On the other hand, maybe she gets knocked around a bit and she considers a perspective that she hasn't considered before. Children like to play fight, take them to a high contact martial arts academy. Take them to karate classes. Let them choose their pleasure. Give them a perspective other than the one that they see on television and in video games. Now I am of the opinion that there is nothing wrong with violence on television and in video games. It is an inescapable aspect of our history, violence. However, all things in moderation. Give children the opportunity to look at such things from another perspective. Take them to wrestling matches. If your child is fascinated with guns, don't try to squelch the fascination, enroll them in archery classes, or shooting classes where they can learn responsibility. Let them try different things, and encourage them not to do any particular thing, but to do what it is that they desire to do, and give them the means to explore their curiosities in a safe and structured environment, and do so without judgement and bias.

Meritocracies, systems that reward performance with external rewards, are also detrimental to children. Here you have a system of, often intense, competition that steers kids in a very narrow direction, and rewards them or punishes them for their efforts. Meritocracies, often inhibit creativity, and take the focus away from internal reward systems, i.e. a system by which a person is rewarded by him/herself, merely for participating, irrespective of the outcome. Do not pay your children for good grades. If you do, they may initially get better grades, but their sense of self worth will become dependent on things that the child may not be able to control. In almost all college and in some high school classes, the courses are graded on curves. This, in essence, means that if everyone studies diligently for an exam, some people will receive good grades, and some will receive poor grades, necessarily, in virtue of the bell curve system. In environments like this, a child's self worth can very quickly become tied up in circumstances beyond his/her control. If you want to set up a rewards system, if you want to support and encourage a certain type of behavior, then encourage your child to try new things. Reward your child's curiosity by encouraging him/her to develop a passion for something. And when your child is competing, or studying, and he receives high marks, or she scores three goals, offer the exact same "reward" whether highest grade or lowest grade. Allow your child to derive joy and reward from the process and not the outcome, by not emphasizing or reinforcing the outcome. Instead, let them decide if it is something they want to dedicate their life to, or a year to, or a minute to. If they, under their own auspices, choose an endeavor under this system, then they will be rewarded by the process itself, or they would not practice it because, remember, there is no one telling them they must.

Trevor Jackson is a 25-year-old Indigo living in Seattle, Washington. Trevor attended Columbia University majoring in Physics and the University of Washington where he graduated with a degree in Philosophy. Presently Trevor works in a local lab which does research into genetics, but the rest of his life is devoted to exploring the potential of his physical body. He participates regularly in a form of full contact martial arts that is called Pankration, runs, bikes, lifts weights and enjoys writing poetry.