IF YOU ARE AN AUTHENTICALLY SELF-EMPOWERED PERSON, you will naturally want the same for your children. Chances are, if you were raised in the dominant western culture, you were not parented in ways that empowered you, but achieved your authentic power through your own efforts. It was probably a difficult and frustrating journey and one you would wish to spare your own children.

The authoritarian style of parenting, embodied by the "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy was once the accepted norm in the western world. This gave way to the more modern, "permissive" style of parenting where in reaction to the previous authoritarianism, children were often left to "do as they pleased". In some instances, permissive style parenting led to children who became "genuinely spoiled", which served to convince those set in authoritarian beliefs that they were right all along.

The problem with both styles of parenting is that they did not lead to genuine self-empowerment. In this article we are going to examine some of the cultural beliefs that influence parenting styles and how they are changing. Then we will discuss some techniques that may help you develop the kinds of parenting skills that encourage self-empowerment in your children.

Our Beliefs Dictate Our Actions
The beliefs we hold about who we are and why we exist are fundamental to our attitudes toward our children. The Judeo-Christian culture is based on a strong work ethic and fears of judgment after death. God is seen as a stern parent who wields power over His children and punishes them when they do not obey His will. Under this belief system, people never really "grow up" to become genuinely self-empowered, so they have no frame of reference for raising their children to become so. In fact, signs of self-empowerment in their children evoke fear in them. Perhaps their child will rebel against God and lose his or her chance for heaven. This must be avoided at all costs, even if it means beating the "hell" out of the child. (Notice how our language reflects our beliefs!)

Permissive style parenting came with a change in the cultural belief systems. More and more, people began to see God as a loving parent who allowed His children freedom to make mistakes and always forgave them afterwards. Parents reflected this by being indulgent of their children and excusing behaviors that formerly would have been punished severely. Laws were passed against physical discipline and child abuse was brought to the forefront of media attention. The belief pendulum had swung from parents having absolute rights and authority over their children to the idea that children had rights and could enlist state protection against abusive parents.

In recent years, a new belief system has been emerging. Some call it "new age" or "new thought". Simply put, the new belief is that we are co-creators with God rather than perpetual children created by a God who needs to be pleased or appeased. This puts the responsibility for our lives directly in our own hands. We can seek God's guidance (whether through prayer, meditation, channeling or other means) but ultimately we make the choices that create our diverse realities. This new belief system will naturally create a totally different way of looking at our children. When people see themselves as co-creators with God rather than as perpetual children in God's eyes, they are on a personal journey to self-empowerment. At this point they have a frame of reference for raising authentically empowered children.

Parenting the "Inner Child"
Even though we may have adopted a new belief system based on being "self-empowered co-creators" rather than "powerless creations", it isn't easy to make a shift in our child-rearing methods. This is because our first impulse is usually to do what was done to us as children. If our parents were authoritarian, and we were yelled at or hit as children, we may yell or strike out at our own children when we get frustrated or "lose it". If our parents were overly permissive and uninvolved with us, we may tend to ignore our children's real needs for security or reassurance.

When as parents we revert to old ways of parenting incompatible with our new belief system, the result is often a profound feeling of guilt. At this point we have a choice. We can react even more severely or we can step back and take time to re-parent ourselves. In doing so, we practice new behaviors, which we can later apply to our relationships with our children.

How does one re-parent the inner child? The first step is to acknowledge that such a being exists. Some of us have so repressed the inner child, we're scarcely aware we have one.

Exercise #1
Go to a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Think back to your childhood. What were your parents like? What were their beliefs? What was their style of parenting? Now go your earliest memories. See if you can recreate a particularly sad or disturbing incident in your mind. Picture yourself in that situation. See that small child, who was you, doing whatever you did. Is the child crying? Is the child hiding? What is the child feeling? Now imagine you can reach out your arms and take that small child onto your lap. Comfort it in whatever way you can. Give it all the love it needs.

Do this exercise as often as you need to. It will help you release some of the pain, which we all carry locked inside from childhood. You can give your inner child a name to help you relate better. Ask your inner child what he or she is called. It might be a nickname from childhood or a name you always wished you had rather than your own.

Seeing the World Through Another's Eyes
One of the first things that happens when we do inner child work is we develop the ability to see the world from another perspective. As we go back to the child we were, we begin to realize we didn't always see the world the way we do now. The child's point of view is quite different from an adult's, yet most of us have forgotten what it was really like to be a child.

Childhood is a time of tremendous power and at the same time of tremendous vulnerability. Very young children "know" things we as adults have forgotten. They are still in touch with their authentic power as souls and many are quite indignant when adults treat them as if they were inferior beings. On the other hand, they are very well aware of their smaller size and lack of physical skills compared to the "grown-ups" around them. Increasingly, they tend to sell out their authentic power in exchange for the external power offered by the family and the culture to those who conform to their expectations. Unfortunately, external power is almost always rooted in polarity.

Discipline
The idea of polarity or opposites has dominated our mass consciousness for many centuries. God is good and the devil is evil. We think of people as being good or evil and as children we were told we were good or bad, depending on our behaviors at the time. In the Judeo-Christian belief system, all people are born in sin, so children need to be disciplined whenever their "sinful nature" surfaces.

Slowly but surely, our ideas of polarity are starting to change. Increasingly, good and evil are seen to be arbitrary designations on a continuum rather than absolutes. This blurring of the lines between good and bad has had a profound effect on how and when we discipline our children.

One of the popular concepts in child rearing books is that children need limits. Authorities would have us believe that children are always testing their limits and it is up to adults to be firm in setting them. Setting a fixed time for bed is an example of a limit. Some parents struggle for years with children who resist the set bedtime. They may have a firm conviction that a set bedtime is in the best interests of the child and/or their own best interest. Either way, bedtime can become a scenario where the power struggles between parent and child are enacted and discipline is resorted to as a way of insuring that the parent's power prevails.

Exercise #2
Think back to the kinds of discipline you experienced as a child. When you were disciplined, did you feel you "deserved" it? Do you remember whether you pushed limits until discipline was resorted to? If so, do you remember why you pushed the limits? Did you feel the limits were somehow unfair, or were you simply asserting your independence from parental control? Most importantly, did the disciplinary methods used empower you or disempower you?

Finding New Ways
Contacting our inner child, seeing the world through a child's eyes and examining our beliefs about discipline are all steps in the self-awareness process so necessary for enlightened parenthood. Doing this kind of personal work gives us the opportunity to become conscious co-creators of family life, rather than merely re-enacting the family patterns we were raised with.

As we move beyond polarity, we start to realize there are no hard and fast rules for raising children. Questions like: "Should there be a fixed bedtime?" or "Should children be punished for bad behavior?" become meaningless unless looked at in the context of the family dynamics.

There are some general guidelines, however, that will apply to all families.

1. Communication is essential. In the past, communication was often one-way: parents communicated their expectations to the children and children were supposed to obey without questioning. Now, parents are realizing that encouraging the children to communicate their needs and listening to them is crucial in helping children retain their authentic power.

2. Each family member is worthy of respect, regardless of age. In the past, children were supposed to respect their elders, but there was no requirement for elders to respect children. This has changed somewhat in that physical abuse by parents is no longer tolerated, but children are still often "talked down to", a clear sign of lack of respect.

3. As soon as possible, children should be given a voice in decisions that concern them. This allows them to begin developing responsibility at an early age. It is up to the parents to give clear guidelines about the consequences of various decisions, while at the same time allowing the child the choice. It is important that the parent presenting the options be detached from the outcome as much as possible. Children know when they are being manipulated to make a choice that is more beneficial for the parent than the child.

4. Be honest with your children about your motives. Manipulation of any sort erodes personal power and sabotages relationships.

5. Negotiate circumstances where needs conflict so that every person in the family can have as many needs met as possible. In the past, children's needs were often seen as subordinate to the parents' needs. It is important to see each family member as equal, regardless of age or contribution to family finances.

6. Avoid blame. This applies to both children and parents. We often blame our children when they make mistakes, but we are just as quick to blame ourselves when things don't turn out the way we expected. Instead, assume responsibility for all circumstances in your life and teach your children to do the same. When things are not as you might prefer them to be, take a look at the beliefs, causes and actions that may need changing, without blaming anyone.

7. Avoid guilt. Be prepared to make mistakes - they are opportunities for learning. Guilt is anger turned inwards and is counter productive. When your energy is focused on feeling guilty (or your children's energy is focused on feeling guilty) there is less energy available for constructive change.

8. Look for the love. Anytime a family member does something that conveys love, recognize it and return the love.

9. Look for the fear. Anytime a family member acts in a way that might be construed as unloving, look for the fear behind the act and reassure the person. That way the love that is the essence of all beings has a chance to re-emerge. Fear unresolved may grow and lead to unloving behaviors, so it is important to root out the fears and address them whenever they manifest themselves.

10. Enjoy the journey. Parenting is an opportunity to grow and enrich ourselves. Children present an opportunity to examine our beliefs in polarity and our lack of personal power. The more open we are to what our children can teach us, the more our own self-empowerment will grow. Ultimately, we are our children's models more than their teachers. The greater our own authentic personal power, the better models we can be.

Next month we will look at retaining our personal power while dealing with institutions like schools, hospitals and governments.

© 2002 Tys Dammeyer

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