There was a time when I was young that I wanted very much to fit in. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and was sure that I didn't agree with anything that was going on. Since I was nothing like my own family members, I took it as further proof of what I was finding at school - that there must be something wrong with me since I didn't fit in anywhere. The teenage years were especially hard as I tried to find my own little niche of like minded people to hang out with. Later in my early twenties, I was quite the party girl and learned how to fit in on the surface, but deep down I still didn't fit in and I secretly knew that.

When I had my first two children, I would watch them and analyze them. They were experiencing a warm loving nurturing childhood so unlike my own and yet they too were unlike any of their peers. They had just as much trouble fitting into the mold of what defines normal as I had experienced. For awhile, I came to think that if I could be anyone in the world, I would want to be one of my kids. They handled the whole thing with so much more style and self-confidence then I ever had.

As time went on and I healed many of my old wounds, I came to see that I wouldn't actually choose to be anyone else. There was nothing wrong with me just because I didn't fit in with a messed up family and there was nothing wrong with me for not being Miss Popularity as a child. It's okay to be a bookworm. I came to realize that not only did I not hear the same drummer as everyone else; I heard Native American Wind Flutes and Celtic Harps! I wasn't even marching to a drummer, but was floating to a softer breezier sound. I learned to like being me. I learned to like the music of my own unique soul. It harmonizes and floats as a soft melody over and around the drummers and those who march to drummers. I came to see that the world actually needs those of us who are not listening to drums. Our music matters too. What a wonderful moment that was. The more I analyze the world and myself.... the more I am so incredibly grateful that I do not fit in!

Yes, it can be lonely at times. Sometimes we look for others who are also on a unique and different path in hopes of finding companionship. What we find is that all too often they are still nothing like us. Isn't it ironic that even in our acceptance and joy over our uniqueness we still seek to find others to fit in with? We tell ourselves really cool things like each human is as unique and special as a snowflake. Our fingerprints prove it, right? Yet, we still search for those like ourselves, soulmates, best friends, sisters and brothers who have chosen the same road less traveled that we have picked.

I think it's the magical spirit that flows within all things and within all life forms. It's the same energy that keeps the seasons turning and the life and death cycles revolving. It's that unexplained force that weaves itself throughout all of creation. It is that piece of us that is trying to maintain the connection with everything else even from within the walls of living in these bodies. It is so lonely to live inside these bodies, looking out at the world through eyes, disconnected from everything else. We long to know that others are out there just like us, experiencing the same longing for connection, the same need for validity that our existence matters to someone other then ourselves. Yes, we're at peace with being unique and different, but does that mean we are not loveable? Isn't that the reason for the search?

The next step in my journey was to learn how to leave well enough alone and to NOT try to recruit others away from normalcy. That lesson has proven to be much harder then making peace with who I am. It's much more difficult for me to make peace with who others are. I struggle with my logical mind saying, "If we simply enlighten them, then they'll see how much happier they'd be if they'd move away from what is currently deemed normal. Shouldn't we teach them how to listen for and march to their own drummer?"

On a spiritual level, I'm learning that sometimes people come to this planet to experience anonymity and normalcy. They find a quiet and ease that comes from simply following along and not making waves. There is safety in numbers, why else do people like to rattle off statistics as to how many others believe as they do? They tell themselves that since what they believe is popular, it must be right. They love the sound of that big beating drum. It inspires them, calling to them like a mother's heartbeat. I am not one of those people, not this time.

© Skye Thomas, 2005