The Relief of Not Knowing

HAVING BEEN A TEACHER'S AIDE in the Arizona prison system for a number of years, I have become accustomed to being asked a barrage of questions. Sometimes I have found myself, out of neglect, ignorance, or indifference, giving a trite answer to another inmate in crisis. Often it's because I've not experienced what that one is going through, forgotten my own neediness when I was in a dilemma, or am unwilling or unable to invest the time to help another's struggle.

Sometimes we feel safer and smarter when we reply quickly (or in error) rather than appear answerless. We have been so busy giving some sort of answer, right or wrong, we have forgotten how to be completely honest. We act as though being wrong is a terrible offense. "Ah, mistaken again."

Our human tendency is to select comfort over vulnerability. However, life's mysterious ways often force us to choose between being trite or admitting we're lost. And as scary as admission can be, it's liberating. What a relief it is, when we're asked something beyond our experience or understanding, to be able to simply say, "I don't know!" Isn't it better to hand out the brightness of honesty than a dim platitude?

There is a natural pleasure when we speak with someone who doesn't know everything, who is open-minded, eager to listen. There is a delightful presence, receptiveness, and humility in such a mind.

If we truly don't know, if we keep ourselves open and free of concepts and ideas, we can approach each moment of our lives with freshness. We can see what is happening in the present moment without assumptions about the past or ideas about the future. Yes, it is scary to cut ourselves loose from our moorings this way, but it is the door to freedom.

Wisdom is not knowing, but being. The wise heart is not one that understands everything: it is the heart that can tolerate the truth of not knowing.

"Not knowing" is a declaration of independence from the pressure to have an opinion about every subject.

• Let's use it as a joyous affirmation of our oneness with the Great Mystery.
• Let's let go of the drive to have it all figured out.
• Let's empty our mind and lift our heart.
• It's fun to say it. Let's try it: "I don't know!"

The Roller Coaster

LIFE'S JOURNEY sometimes seems like a ride on a roller coaster. In the inevitable rising and falling of the ride, the task is frequently one of letting go, of finding a gracious heart that honors the changes of life. This involves stepping out of the current of thoughts, letting go of "how it was and how it should be" or "how we should be". Honoring the truth of these ups and downs and of letting go allows our experience of darkness and falling to be part of the greater whole.

There are certain truths we can learn only be descent, truths that bring humility and wholeness in surrender. Even these down times are part of the dance of life, though, and we can invite them to awaken us and to teach us compassion.

Let's imagine that our ride has a steep incline to a great height. As soon as we get to a certain height, several people look down, see how far it is, and completely freeze. Their fear is so great they cannot move. All the way up the incline there are places where certain ones freeze. They have come up against their edge and they cannot go beyond it.

How does life become a process of becoming more fearless and flexible? Rather than think we have made a mistake, we can acknowledge the present moment and its teaching. We can soften and connect with our heart and engender a basic attitude of compassion for ourselves. Every moment is a moment of grace when we let go of the body of fear and just say to ourselves, "Ah, it's OK."

We cannot stay at the top of the incline, and we cannot anticipate the next curve, but we can find a balance in the ride. We find the balance when we discover the capacity of our heart to embrace all the ups and downs, to flow harmoniously with all things, to be amazed by the new day to come, the new moment, the mystery of just being alive.

If we meet the cycles of life with an embrace, wherever we are becomes holy ground, the seat of enlightenment.

© 2001-08, Tom Brown

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Charles "Tom" Brown was a successful investor who did very well in real estate, oil, and the stock market. Friends began asking him to invest for them, too. And he did. Things went well, and more people heard about his abilities and wanted to be included in the investment strategies he had devised. All went well until there was a dramatic change in the market. All that went up turned down, and Tom wanted everyone to still have a profit - his big mistake - as he wanted to be well thought of. Tom was accused of defrauding investors. Although it was shown that he had never diverted any money for himself other than a modest commission, through unbelievable mishandling by an incompetent or dishonest attorney, what should have been a one-year sentence became a 17-year sentence. At the time of judgment, Tom was 62 years of age.

The purpose of Tom's blog is not to dwell on the injustice, but rather, to show the incredible unfoldment of consciousness in a man who has taken this sentence and created a workshop of Soul and Spirit out of it. His words are designed to help us see into life and do better with what we've been given. Tom's Beyond the Wall blog is located at www.Beyondthewall.blogs.com.  If you would like to write to Tom, he appreciates correspondence.  He does not have access to a computer but can be reached via Charles "Tom" Brown, # 140237, ASPC - Lewis, Barchey Blue - D2 - E5, P.O.Box 3200, Buckeye, AZ, 85326.